....the long and winding road

Well.

Here we are.  Sitting in the Cleveland Clinic surgery center.

Emily will have procedure to remove the mediport from her right chest this morning.  This is the device that has received chemo therapy drugs, IV fluids, antibiotics and pain management drugs along the way.

We have sat in this building a few times and I will always remember  those dates February 15,  2012 and how uncomfortable she was then.   She could not stand, sit still or sleep.   She wheeled out of OR right into M50 for the first time.  I remember room 4 and thinking to myself, "this place will be home for us this year".

Then there was May 14 2012 and the limb salvation operation, all 9 + hours of it.   By then, she felt good and knee pain and swelling gone.

So...the long and winding road has brought us full circle.  Today, December 6, 2012 marks the start of a new chapter in her life, all our lives, including folks like you who read this.   Your thoughts, prayers, acts of kindness have mattered and made this journey bearable.   Emily had a quote in her high school yearbook at Walsh Jesuit, "Be The Difference".  You all have done this and we are eternally grateful.   Emily has been "the difference" to all of us.

MOMMA ! and Daddy-O

I am a cancer survivor.

This is it. November 16th, 2012, 7:30 pm, I finished my last dose of chemotherapy. 

I am a cancer survivor.

Reflecting

In February, I never imagined this day would come. I couldn't picture it for the life of me. I couldn't imagine what I would look like, if I would have a leg, where I would be, or what would be going on in my life. Honestly, I wasn't sure if this day would come. I am sitting in my room surrounded by pictures, cards, letters, gifts, thinking about everything that has happened in the last 9 months. On February 10th, my parents and I were thrown into a situation we had no control over, and it's been hard. The difficult times when my doctors didn't know what was going on, the times I've struggled and been extremely sick, and the happiest of moments like surprises, friends, and love.

That's what I have to be most thankful for through this whole journey, love. I have seen more love than I ever have in my life. Love and caring from friends, family, and complete strangers. I would not be where I am today if it hadn't been for that love. It has kept me going through all of this especially when I didn't want to keep going.

Tomorrow I am going to check into the hospital for the last time. I will be receiving my last treatment tomorrow and I am so grateful to be where I am. I am sitting here crying thinking about every moment, ever person, everything that has gotten me to this place and I can't express my gratitude enough. I can't believe this day is here. I've learned so much throughout this journey...patience, gratitude, and most importantly, how precious life is. I don't know why God has continued to bless me with life and to pull me through this one, but I will sure treat everyday like it is a gift. It truly is.

I am going to sleep tonight with the thought that tomorrow will be the close of one chapter of my life and the start of an extremely special one. An infinite amount of thanks goes to every one of you reading this because you have all helped me make it through this.

Goodnight and may God bless you all. The end is here and tomorrow evening, after my last bag of chemotherapy is taken down, I will be able to say that I am a cancer survivor.

Here's just a few pictures of this journey.

Almost there!!

Last night, my levels came back as I expected them to...too high. One of the problems that I face now that I am ALMOST DONE is that my body doesn't want to clear the chemo as fast, especially the Methotrexate which I received Friday night and will receive next friday for my LAST CHEMO.

So to help flush it out, we up'd my IV fluids and I have to keep drinking lots. I hope time continues to fly through this next week and I can get home for a few days before coming back friday. The medicine they give me called leucovoren helps by attaching itself to the Methotrexate to pull it out of my system. We will see if I need to receive it every three hours as opposed to my current 6. I will hopefully be out tomorrow but we will see! I just wanted to share some pics from the last few days...I've been looking through so many lately reminiscing on this journey because it is almost over!

These are pics I took of my computer watching my team at our home opener that I watched online. Great job to all my Bills!

(Dance in white, cheer in blue)

Here's my team! (Cheer)

This is Ashly, my amazing friend going through treatment with me! What a fighter she is. PS if you can't already tell -- Ashly sure is an example of how Bald is Beautiful!

This is Nicole, one of the PCNA's (she's been taking my vitals since day one!) Just saw her for the last time last night because she's not scheduled to work until I am done) Thanks for everything, beautiful. Going to miss you tons.

This is my wonderful friend Ross Martin who I took to my senior prom, greatest date! He is now the Kicker for the Duke football team and brought me an autographed ball. Thank you so much Rossy and thank your team! 

This journey has been long and it sure is weird to think it's almost done...no more hospital stays, blood draws, pain, suffering, and everything in-between. must say, this has truly showed me the greater things in life and how great and beautiful life is. 

2 W's

GREAT night tonight, posting from M50. Checked in this morning for chemo...weren't sure if my counts would be good enough, but I guess they were! I saw one of my surgeons in the cafeteria with my dad which was so fun. Clay is the man haha, we chatted for a little. I started pre-hydration around 1:30 pm and my 2nd-to-last chemo bag was hung at 6 pm and ran for 4 hours. My friend Ashly who is also here for treatment came and visited for a little while this evening, she looks fantastic as always and continues to bring a smile to my face :) It's fun having someone my age to relate to. 

I tuned in to watch my Saint Louis Billikens this evening to watch the home opener at Chaiftez, online! SO fun to see the guys and my Saintsations killing it out there. Boy, I so wish I was there, on the court and celebrating the win over USC Upstate. 

So...I would say that tonight has brought 2 W's for me, finishing my 2nd to last chemo and my Bills winning at home :) Gosh I miss St. Louis, can't wait to be back at school!!

the big news to report...right now I have post-chemo hydration for the next 4 days or so but since the chemo part has ended, I OFFICIALLY ONLY HAVE 

ONE MORE CHEMO LEFT. ONE. THE LAST ONE. NEXT FRIDAY. I'm crying just thinking about it.

So to end my wonderful evening, shout out to Billiken Basketball -- all you guys, it's going to be another great season! My Saintsations, you looked Fabulous out there, can't wait to join you soon!! my KD sistas...SLUperbowl tomorrow #4peat #letsgo #K∆Dynasty 

...and to all of you out there continuing to support me, love to you all. The battle is almost won. 

xoxo goodnight

Can't sleep

I've been reflecting on a lot of this tonight. It's almost over, thank God, but really it's been quite a journey. I'm going to be honest, Why me? Why does cancer exist?

I will never know, I just trust there is a bigger reason and plan out there. I am continually pushed to the limit, each week filled with it's own challenges but I guess that is what life is. Everyone has there challenges.

I was in the hospital most of last week for pain, the mouth sores were unreal. I guess I have to wait, so Friday I am going to try and check in for my 2nd last treatment.

Only 2 more. That doesn't even seem real.
Soon enough it will...I'm a lucky one.

Mom & Dad... " I can't swallow"

These were the words Emily said to us at 4:00 am on Wednesday, October 31.  Much has happened since Em's last post and now.  

She did her last in patient Dox IV treatment on October 23.  It went well and clearly, it is working, as she has experienced all of the effects to the maximum degree.  

As expected, about Day 8 to 11 from this dose, her blood is depleted.  So, this week, the timing of her treatment has produced some challenges.

Em had her stop in visit to S20 on Monday 10.29.12 to check her levels and they were low, again, as expected.  She was neutropenic, which means she has low resistance, and the "silver lining" in this is the fact the treatment and therapy is working.  She was given a flu shot at that visit and we spoke to the nurses about this with her ANC at only .35.    The risk of contracting the live flu was explained to be greater.  We knew that she was still on the way down in her numbers, so it was ride it out, and be careful.  We were not sure the timing was great this week for Emily as her body would be challenged enough without layering on another "thing".

We secured the house for Sandy storm, got candles ready and nestled in.  The rain came hard and lasted.  Em starting feeling bad on Tuesday, sore throat, tired.. the usual for these kind of days, so we started our Halloween with a scary announcement.  

Todd and Emily made there way to S20 to get going with pain management and check in with her numbers.  Her blood counts were lower, well and in some cateorgies... ZERO.  Yep, that therapy is working.

The toll it has taken is scary and we are still in the care of the doctors and team on M50.  Since she has had fever off and on, the full rotation of hard core antibiotics have been administered.  She has been in terrible pain... in her throat.  She has not been able to swallow.   She had three rotations of narcotics, none have which have provided great relief, just looped her.   Her time in the hospital has been to lay low, be sure an infection is not brewing anywhere, and get her jump started again in the white blood count column.

SO, we are here and rotating our time with her, enjoying RED the new T.Swift CD and movies.  Today is the first moment we have had to make a post to her blog and we have just learned that her ANC number has finally moved from the 0.0 position.... she is on the way back at .16.  This is not enough, but it is great news and provides us the proof that the body can heal itself.  Rest is HUGE right now and Em is losing patience with just "laying here".  The up tick in numbers mean Emily can finally get going in the healing department ... amen.

We know that this round of challenges has sent us back a few days in "THE PLAN".   Her doctors have said what we have repeated... It is far more important to get thru the final two treatments safely vs. what day of the week or month it is.   We are so close to the finish line, we can see it, but we are in slow motion. 

We have been so wrapped up in our own storm, that we have not seen too much of the Sandy coverage.  We did see the story on the NYU neonatal nurses and docs moving premature babies, 9 flights of steps, 6 people per baby, step by step, manually ventilating them in power outage, storm conditions.  Thank you to all of the doctors, Nurses and caregivers around the world....  the lasting effects of Sandy will be with us for some time, as even folks in CLEVELAND are still without power. The week has been interesting... a challenge to many... in many different ways.  

Em is sipping herbal tea... 

Party Time Yo!

Happy Monday everyone! and Happy Fall!

I decided to try something different today...I'm posting a video blog update? Hope it works! No hair don't care ;) I'll get my eyelashes and eyebrows back soon enough. Hope everyone has a great day, and in the words of miss Marilyn Monroe, "Keep your head high, your chin up, and most importantly keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there is SO much to smile about"

xoxo

Home!

4 Weeks, 3 more treatments...

That is all I keep reminding myself! I got out of the hospital this morning from my high dose Methotrexate admission on monday. Thankfully, after a week off, my body was way more equipped to clear the chemo faster than last time when I was there for 6 days unexpectedly. My last dose of chemo seems so close and I can't wait! I've kind of accepted that these next few weeks will not go as planned, in reality I am preparing myself for longer than 4 weeks. I go in on Monday and Tuesday this week for outpatient Doxorubicin, health permitting. I will also begin injecting myself with neupogin everyday for 10 days. I really detest getting these shots and I'm slightly freaked out about giving them to myself, but maybe these shots will help keep me on track? It is a shot that jump starts my bone marrow to keep working  and make white blood cells and platelets to keep my counts high. Definitely the most frustrating part of delays is when it's because of low counts because there is nothing I can do to speed the process up. But hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, right?

Today I will be registering for housing at SLU for the spring semester, wow I can't wait. Today is also exciting because it is homecoming at Walsh Jesuit (our last one!). Mackenzie, my sister, is a senior so she's been working hard planning homecoming week with student government. Go Warriors! So thankful I got out of the hospital today to be there with my family. 

I would like to ask all of you to keep my friends fighting this battle in your prayers please. Ashly, Luciana, Sarah, Mikaela, PJ, Cora, and Lisa. Also, prayers go up to a special angel who just lost her battle, but she never gave up. No matter what kind, who has it, or when it appears...cancer still sucks.

Smile today, you never know how much you could brighten someone's day!

xoxo

P.S. GO CARDINALS! Shout out to all my friends in St. Louis - 12 in 12

Done...

Do you ever feel like you can't catch a break and that things are always going wrong in your own world. Everyone else seems to be happy and well and you can't figure out how to force a smile? I've been consumed in my own world of having no control of my life. I'm getting antsy...so anxious to be done already but time keeps stoping. 

I didn't get out of the hospital until Saturday from my last chemo admission. This past Monday I went to the doc for labs and to get admitted for more chemo but we found out I still had chemo in my system from last round, and those levels were too high. My body is so tired and so weak it doesn't want to do this anymore so my kidneys and everything are tired of filtering out the chemo. I was sent home disappointed again, and told to come back Thursday to try again.

Thursday was met with more disappointment. Although it took me a week and a half, I had finally cleared the methotrexate from my system but, my blood counts dropped. I am neutropenic and now my platelets are too low to receive chemo. I couldn't hold my tears in anymore.

5 weeks, 4 treatments.

I'm stuck in this holding place. I want to keep going and just be done. I was supposed to be finished with treatment the last week in October, but now I keep getting delayed, I'm to the week of thanksgiving now. I just want to be done. Im tired of this. My body is tired, I want my life back. My energy, my hair, my muscle, everything that I can do when poison won't be streaming through my veins. I am SO ready to put a close on this chapter of my life. Talking to my coach, Lori, and my friend Amanda about basketball season just gets me so much more excited to go back to school, to cheer, to my friends, everything. January 10th will be my return to the sideline and school. I'm determined that one day I will see a cure for cancer. All this hurt will go away. Although I am down right now, I keep reminding myself to just "let go." One of my favorite sayings is "Let go and let God" whomever your god may be. I have to let go because I don't have control. Just take it one day at a time and let go. Things will get better and when they do, they will be great. But there is no easy way to let go.

“A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again.” 

What Gives?

Quick Update:

I finished my 5th to last chemo on Monday evening, meaning I only have 4 more treatments left! (5 weeks total). Normally when getting Methotrexate which I received on Monday, I am here for 60 hours post-chemo for fluids to flush it from my system, and I am usually out of here Thursday mornings. Well, even with increasing my fluids, adding another medicine to "pull out the Methotrexate" my levels are still in the clear to go home. I am super bummed and bored, but hey that's life!

They will draw labs again at 6 am, which *fingers crossed* will finally get me out of here early morning. I would so much rather be relaxing at home, but I know I can't leave yet. I'm guessing it's taking longer to recover from chemo now just because I've had so many doses my body is tired of clearing it and my bone marrow is slow to regenerate. 

Dad is coming down with my favorite Mexican, Don Tequila, for dinner. Chill night here up in M50...Hopefully I get out tomorrow so I can have at least the weekend to relax before I come back in Monday for the same routine.

xoxo to all,
Em

Happy FALL!

Happy October 1st everyone!

Nothing exciting to report...Methotrexate just started at 6:15 and will go for 4 hours. Checked in this morning for chemo by myself, all is well again with my health. Thank you for all the love and prayers! Finally back on schedule, 6 more weeks; 5 treatments (after 10:15 tonight, only 4 more! EEEKKK!!). Once the chemo is done tonight I have post-chemo hydration for 48-60 hours to flush it out of my system.

Kinda funny how treatment and this whole situation has become like a job, its a routine just like all of your days with classes or work or whatever you do! I check in at S20, do a blood draw, call report, head up to M50 in another building, hang out while getting pre-chemo fluids, the whole operation it's become so regular it makes me laugh sometimes.

I barely have an eyebrows left, but hey, they will grow back :) only a few more weeks! Sending love to all my family, friends, and anyone who needs a prayer!

X's and O's
Em

World traveler

SO much to tell, oh boy...

Friday, Sept 14th. 8:30 am My friends, Annalise and Casey, picked me up from the Airport in St. Louis. I flew in the morning to my favorite city and SURPRISED MY FRIENDS! NO ONE KNEW I WAS COMING!!! It was such a perfect, great, amazing weekend, and being back at school felt right. I didn't want to leave on Sunday, but unfortunately, I had to leave even earlier than expected. The one problem with going to St. Louis this last weekend was that I was Neutropenic going in, and of course, developed a fever Sunday morning. Crying and panicked, I called my parents and had the best friends I could ask for surrounding me packing my things and brainstorming what to do about this fever. Greg, Charlie, Alex, Ali and Hannah all hoped in the car, took me to the airport and stayed on the phone with the airline to try and secure me a seat on the earlier flight. I got one, thanks to my wonderful friends, and went to the clinic with my mom straight from the airport.

I ended up being in the hospital Sunday night through Saturday morning for a "fever neutropenia" admission. It was a CRAZY week, and it all started with a fever. Thankfully, that fever did get me to the hospital because my counts were so low on Sunday, my doctors, my parents and I were shocked. These numbers were so low, the lowest they've ever been, they made my physically sick. Constant headaches, vomiting, passing out, and exhaustion made for an uncomfortable stay. On top of that, the reason I got a fever in the first place was because I had two blisters on my toes that ALTHOUGH COVERED WITH NEOSPORIN, STILL got infected. I had red lines going from my toes up my foot and leg so I was immediately put on five different IV antibiotics. On top of that, Monday morning, a week after my last dose of chemo, mouth sores came on super fast. They were so awful, I wasn't eating and couldn't drink much because I was in so much pain. To help with the constant pain, the worst it's been since before surgery, I was put on a morphine drip and pump which definitely helped. Part of the Once all these problems were "under control" my criteria for discharge from the hospital was to have some positive numbers in my ANC to see that my immune system was improving. To help with this, I would get a daily dose of neupogin, a medicine that helps jump start your bone marrow in producing white blood cells. Unfortunately, I was at 0.00 for about 5 days and required 6 transfusions to help my body feel better and start making white blood cells and boost my ANC. I had three blood transfusions, and three transfusions of just platelets. They doubled and tripled my dosage of neupogin and FINALLY slowly but surely I started to feel better.

This was such a hard week for me mentally because I want to be done with this and I was frustrated that little blisters caused my admission. Normally, anyone can get blisters, but because I didn't have an immune system, my body couldn't handle any little germs. I was also anxious and nervous because my beautiful cousin Bianca got married this past weekend in Seattle where my mom's side of the family lives. My mom left on Tuesday to be out there for the wedding and help Bianca prepare. My dad, Kenz, Joe and I had tickets to leave friday morning for Seattle but because of my immune system still being at 0.00, I had to stay at the hospital. Being in the hospital friday was weird because it hit me that I didn't even have family in town and I was upset thinking I was going to miss Bianca's wedding. I prayed, had some visitors that cheered me up, and my doctors and nurses all crossed their fingers that maybe I would be able to go Saturday morning. I owe everything to my team of doctors who bent over backwards to re-work their whole plan of care to try and get me on a plane Saturday morning. With a blood draw at midnight that showed a little improvement, I got a platelet transfusion at 3 am, an extra dose of neupogin around 4:30 am, and at 6 am, I was disconnected from that horrible IV pole and was able to hop in the car with my neighbors at 6:30 at the hospital and they took me to the airport! I got on an 8:30 flight and had to wear a mask because I still had virtually no immune system, but the stares and weird looks are so worth me getting to go. I am so incredibly grateful I was there to see my cousin get married to Casey. The ceremony was beautiful, and being in Seattle was such a blessing. I loved it. 

(Masked on the plane...get your laughs out hehe)

We got home on Monday afternoon and for the third time, I went from the airport straight back to the doctor for a check up. Surprising my doctors, I came back with counts that were almost back to "normal" which was great and I was definitely feeling better. SO glad my week from hell was over. I am still on antibiotics and was supposed to start chemo today, but we are giving my toes a few more days of my antibiotics and rest to make sure they are healed before my counts get knocked down again Friday.

I have 6 more weeks (5 more chemo treatments) left until this is O-V-E-R! Boy the day can't come soon enough. Although, based on last week, it will most likely be longer than 6 weeks. My bone marrow has now had over 25 weeks of treatment so it is not regenerating as fast anymore, it's tired. I've learned in this past week to focus on the present and not to get ahead of myself. Going one day at a time is all I can ask for. Family and good friends got me through the week and I am so glad to have them in my life, they help me through every challenge. A couple shout outs and prayers go to my STRONG friends also fighting this awful battle; Luci, PJ, Mikaela, my newly diagnosed KD sister, Sarah, and Ashly having her surgery tomorrow! LOVE and PRAYERS to all of you! A shout out to my new team of Saintsations I had the pleasure of meeting via skype, can't wait to really meet all of you! Lastly, shout out to ANYONE in need of a prayer today, sending you all positive thoughts and well wishes, thank you for continuing to support me and my family through this battle.

XOXO 

Em

Keep on Keeping on

Just got out of the hospital yesterday afternoon! I checked in for my second week of methotrexate on tuesday morning with my dad. I was there through Friday and all went smoothly! I really don't have any major side effects right now (knock on wood) just a little tenderness in my mouth and a bad taste. But other than that, I feel great. I am taking some more maintenance meds like potassium phosphorus, magnesium oxide, diflucan, and just an occasional zofran to help with any nausea. My blood counts were all good as I left the hospital yesterday my hemoglobin is just a little but low, but nothing too concerning. It was kinda fun, I got to go up to the PT gym on the 7th floor and I got a stationary bike moved into my room so I could bike while I was sitting there all bored!

I am excited because I have my first outpatient chemo this Monday and Tuesday. Dox, which is usually given with cisplatin is now on its own and I can get it in S20 over checking in up in m50! It only drips for a half and hour for two days in a row, so I am very excited! After that, I have 2 weeks off and don't have chemo until september 24th! The countdown continues, I only have 6 more chemo's left and it will take about 8 weeks! SO CRAZY! gosh, the end is almost here. AH! 

Also, right now is recruitment for sororities at SLU and I wish so badly I could be there for that! Sending positivity to all the girls going through the rush process and for all the girls currently in greek life welcoming all the new girls! 

This was me on Bid Day last year... GO Kappa Delta! (and all other sororities).

LOVE TO YOU ALL! Happy Saturday! 

"only rainbows after rain"

Monday morning rolled around again and it was time to head down to the clinic to check in for chemo. My counts were all back to normal so I was all good to go! So happy, hate delays. My dad hung with me a little that afternoon but our family is so busy he couldn't stay long. Shoutout to momma and the John Carroll University football team and staff That headed off to IRELAND yesterday for an international football tournament in Dublin! I'm so excited for them! Unfortunately, because my mom was so swamped with last minute travel issues, I didn't get to see her and say goodbye. Mackenzie is also having a hard time and is really sick at home. So, I'm in the hospital by myself most of the time. But I don't mind one bit. Some R&R is needed right now because the chemo and fluids require me to go to the bathroom every other hour to make sure it's clearing my system properly. This leads to minimal amounts of sleep, but hey, it could be worse!

The truly exciting news came to me on Monday when I told my doctors that I had 11 weeks left until this is all over and she corrected me and said, "Em, you only have 9 MORE WEEKS LEFT!!" I am on week 20 out of 29 total. Unfortunately because of delays like infection, platelets, and surgery is will end up being much longer than 29 weeks, but I am getting through it. STAYING STROMG AND POSITIVE. I was practically jumping out of my skin. My estimated timing means that my last round of chemo (methotrexate) will happen on Monday, October 29th, which means I will be walking out of M50 for the last time on Thursday, Novemeber 1st. All Saints Day...not a coincidence ;). The week after that sometime in the first. Week of Novemeber, my mediport for chemo will be taken out and IM CANCER FREE! So much to look forward to. I feel time is flying now the end is in sight.

Sitting in M50 room 8 with a big window right in front of me gives me an opportunity to look at the brightening blue skies. Monday and Tuesday were gloomy, but the sun is here again. "Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again" -Andy Gammar, Keep Your Head Up.

Keep smiling everyone, there is so much to smile about. Much love to you, your family and friends. Keep your head up!

11

11 more weeks until I am done with this! This past weekend, some family friends the Potter family came to Cleveland to visit. Teamevans LOVED being with them, we've known them since Henry and I were in play group together. Having fun with them kept my mind off the fact that my friends had all taken off to school. 

On Friday morning, I went for another check up and my counts were all up to normal again! The BIG relief is that my platelets were at 135,000 on friday, high enough for chemo tomorrow for sure!! I was concerned they would still be low, but I'm in the clear! I check in tomorrow morning to "hotel M50" until Thursday sometime. I am having a hard time accepting that all my friends at SLU are going to start class tomorrow and I won't be there. But, I am actually okay because the end is in sight! 

Found this great quote I would like to share with you...

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Look at the sunny side of everything and make optimism come true. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you." -Christian D. Larson

So tomorrow while my friends are walking into class, I'll be walking in to the hospital. I re-read that quote about 10 times tonight, and I am fully dedicated to my own self improvement. I hope you are too, because you ARE worth it. Love and peace to you all. 

Another week

Well, it's been a week since my last post. Monday I went to back to the clinic for another check up and was not shocked to find I was running on E. My white blood cell count is at 0.85, ANC is 0.00 and my platelets are at 47,000. All of these combined made my bed feel better than any place in the world the last few days. Yesterday, as pathetic as this is, I realized I watched 10 straight hours of Law and Order Special Victims Unit (one of my fav shows). Catching up on some Z's and laying low was great and I feel better everyday.

I go back in on Friday for another check up and I should be up to 100% again by then. The only concern is my platelets...because they are too low.  I am in this annoying in between stage where my platelets are not low enough to transfuse, but not high enough to receive chemo. So, Monday we have to hope they are up again to about 75,000 so I can check in and keep rolling. The delays are no fun...

Im halfway through week 12 in my countdown...Monday will be 11 weeks left and 9 treatments left. SINGLE DIGITS BABY! One day at a time.

Loving you all today and everyday. Shout out to all students headed back to school in the next few weeks...all you college students, I envy you ;) To my brosef Joe, hope orientation was great today. First official day at Ignatius tomorrow and first football game! Go wildcats! And to all my billikens moving in today and through the rest of the week, enjoy every second! P.S. Goodbye's stink...I don't know why they are called "good" when saying "bye" is never easy.

6 Months

6 months ago today:

Wednesday, February 15th, 2012. 7 am, check into Cleveland Clinic surgical center. Met Swiss doctor who implanted a port into my right collar bone area. Spent the whole day resting up on this new place in the hospital, building M wing 50. I woke up with a patch on the spot where they put the port in. There was a bump sticking out of it, what was that? No way is that a needle sticking in my chest. The day was filled with anxiety and questions, I wasn't feeling good. That night, with my whole family around me, my first bag of chemotherapy was hung around 7 pm. We all held hands and I cried. This was my new reality and this is what my life was going to be for while. I laid there and held the tubing, I watched the redish-brownish doxorubicin drip through the tubing and into me. I couldn't believe what was happening. The fear, the unknown, all the confusion of that night is finally at peace with me. 6 months later, I lay here at home a completely different person.

I'm doing great! Everyday is a day that gets better and better. I am going to physical therapy everyday and it is my favorite part of the day. Loving getting stronger and seeing the progress I am making even in just a week! I have two weeks off right now, so I am taking advantage of it! I went to the doctor on Monday and got my needle out because I was done with home IV fluids after a week. What is really exciting is that I don't think if everything goes smoothly, I will EVER need home IV fluids at night EVER AGAIN. The only reason I was doing them is because of the cisplatin, and once again, it went so smoothly and I'M DONE!

An update on my leg, I know none of this is really exciting to all of you, it's so exciting to me! I am reactivating my quad muscle and building up strength. Although much of it was removed with the surgery, I am re-learning how to do things like squats, leg presses, and balancing on one leg! My most exciting accomplishment has been learning how to step onto my left leg with it bent, like stepping up onto stairs. Those muscles are starting to come back and I am able to walk stairs "normally" now if I go slow and feel the burn. So exciting haha.

On a side note, I feel like my morale has come back too. Last night I made dinner for my Dad and I and we had a nice chat and he said, "I am so proud of you. You've learned to accept the situation and your finally moving forward. I feel like the old Emmy is back." This made me smile because I do feel different. I feel strong, figuring things out on my own and working hard. I am not 100% yet, but I am getting there and the end is in sight. A common topic of conversation at the house is, "I am going to do this this and this when I am done with cancer." I still have a long way to go but with my therapy even a week has been filled with leaps and bounds.

I am really going to miss everyone when my friends leave for school in the next week or so. I am so excited for them, but I know it's going to kill me thinking about everyone being back together while I am stuck here. I guess it's the little things I'll miss the most, but I am going to try and take full advantage of my semester at home. There is no way I am going to be trapped in my own personal hell like the spring when this was just getting started, and no one knew what to expect or what was even going on. I am going to be active, workout, get some hours in at work, visit friends, and work on becoming the best EMMY I can. I guess life really is what you make it, turning positives into negatives. Soon enough this will be over and I can close my eyes and say, "I did it."

It keeps getting better

Home, sweet home. In the past few days, I've had a big accomplishment in my own little world. I was able to get admitted on Monday for chemo as my platelets jumped to 238,000. Week off might have been what I needed? I'm not complaining! After downing 4 water bottle before heading to the hospital, I was ready to start chemo fairly early. My schedule was Doxorubicin for 15 minutes, Mannitol (somewhat of just water) for 2 hours, and lastly Cisplatin for 4 hours. I began at 3:15 pm and finished around 9:30 pm, Monday and repeated again on Tuesday. Chemo is never easy or fun, but I am SO PROUD AND EXCITED THAT I FINISHED MY LAST DOSE OF CISPLATIN! Cisplatin is the absolute worst one and I'm done with it now! NO MORE CISPLATIN! I'm feeling pretty crummy right now, but not nearly as bad as I usually do? Maybe I'm just getting used to the chemo? Once again, not complaining. I don't have much of an appetite but I'm forcing some things down because an empty stomach is just as uncomfortable as nausea.

So the plan is now, I have 2 weeks off before I have to go in for chemo. I mapped it out on my calendar and the next time I will be admitted is Monday, August 27th, for Methotrexate. What should have been my first day of school. Yes, I am super bummed about not going back in the fall, but I want to return healthy and normal, so second semester it is.

For the next few days, I hook up to fluids over night which always make me feel refreshed in the morning. When you don't want to eat or drink anything, the pressure to try and force it down is taken off with these fluids. I just have my port accessed and will be round until Monday or Tuesday. A few rainy days to relax is perfect for me. Laying low, watching the Olympics and sleeping plenty. Not sure why but you can probably tell where my mind is right now...counting down the days... 

Have a wonderful day and keep a smile on your face. Love to you all! THE END IS IN SIGHT! 

Tradeoffs

Last week wasn't the best week for me. I went in on Monday for the beginning of my fourth five-week cycle of treatment to begin. Cisplatin and Dox were on the docket, but when I checked in over in s20 they sent my blood to the lab and it turns out my platelets were too low to receive chemo. They need to be at 75,000, meaning your bone marrow is strong enough to handle the drugs, and mine was at 64,000. They sent me home and said come back on Wednesday. So, Wednesday rolls around and I went back to find my platelets had dropped down to 55,000. I was sent home again and said to come back on Monday. I'll head back in in about an hour and hopefully find myself finally checking in! I really didn't need the delay, but the week off was nice. I got to see many old friends and be "normal" for a few days...enjoying the end of summer.

I am really bummed I couldn't get chemo last week because I was looking forward to leaving today for Chicago to see my best friend and go to a Coldplay concert. Unfortunately, the delay was just a "little reminder" or a wake up call that I can't really plan for anything at this point in my life. Trying to make plans a week in advance isn't something I can do. When I sat in the doctors office on Wednesday when I got delayed a second time I just started crying because I was so frustrated. I just want to keep moving with this whole thing so it can be done already. My doctors politely reminded me to "expect the unexpected" and this is what my life is right now. I have to go one day at a time and plan for things to come up that I may not be prepared for. They said trying to plan ahead on anything will just set me up for disappointment. I was really looking forward to seeing my friends in Chicago, but hey, life happens.

I guess all I really have to say is that I'm so done with all of this. I'm not giving up but I am becoming more disappointed with how my life is right now and I have to keep my expectations low. One day this will all just be a bump in the road of my life but right now its getting harder and harder to finish. My friends all leave for school here in a few weeks and then I will be at home for the semester like I was in the spring, just wishing I could be back at school. Don't take anything for granted, your life could change in the blink of an eye. There will always be tradeoffs in our life. If we make one decision, it leads to this or another, leads to something else, positives and negatives of every choice, decision, or action. I like to think I go for the positives, open my heart and hope for the best. Sometimes things don't work out, but I guess thats life. You just pick up the pieces and figure out your next move.

I hope you all have a fantastic day, I am sending you love and prayers constantly! Fingers crossed I get chemo today! It's the LAST CISPLATIN (nasty one) I'LL EVER HAVE TO GET! Words cannot even begin to describe how excited I am! Although, no matter how many times I get chemo, I still get a pit in my stomach the night before and morning of. Not a fun thing to see on your plan for the day. Peace to you all!

Put yourself in someone else's shoes

How many times in a day do we think about ourselves. We get caught up in the hustle of our daily lives. I've come to notice a great reality that bad things in life are inevitable. Because, who wants to coast through life anyways? As my mom always says, "that's not living." Our burdens bring us down and don't give us a chance to look towards someone else for love, compassion, or anything outside our own realities. Being on this floor is such a blessing for me. M50, all the nurses, doctors, and patients put a smile on my face everyday. The babies, the younger boys and girls, these are the strongest families I have ever met and probably will ever meet. My friend on this floor is struggling. She is thousands of miles from home battling cancer at the young age of 11. We have become extremely close and right now she isn't doing well. I pray for her and her family everyday and I wish I could take it all away from her. She's giving up mentally and we are the only two that really know what it's like.


Life is such a roller coaster and has so many ups, downs, loops, and secret plans for us and we always sit back and ask why. When one door closes, if we look close enough, we can see 5 more doors opening in it's place to lead us in the right direction. I have  The Scientist by Coldplay on repeat, and there are lyrics that just keep repeating..."nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard." Life is hard. challenges face us everyday and my dad always taught me, its not about what happens to us, its how we react to it. We can only control ourselves and thats all that really matters. Getting caught up in ourselves leaves no room for compassion.


For anyone interested, please come visit this beautiful floor of M50, filled with my friends and amazing people who inspire me everyday. Take a walk in their shoes, its a journey I think you would truly enjoy. I have so much more of a deeper perspective on life that I consider myself blessed to have this insight. Smiles, hugs, or just a quick hello can truly brighten someones day. I should be getting out of here sometime tonight or if not tonight, in the morning. I am clearing the methotrexate well, but for once, part of me wants to stay? I am enjoying my time alone, to think, to spend time with people that might need just a simple smile. I think that is something I want to do with my life. Maybe work somewhere in Child Life services, child psychology, or something I could do to help other kids who are in my shoes. Although I am sick of this journey, I have found  home on M50 and someday I won't need to be here every week, but you can bet i'll be visiting plenty. 


Do you ever want to give up? When everything is going wrong? I know I do. We're only human. All I have to say is persevere. giving up isn't an option, too many people care about you. Especially me.

Can only take so much

Hey everybody, here's another another update from my wonderful bed in M50. I checked into M50 yesterday for another Methotrexate admission. This is the last week of my 3rd 5 week cycle, OFFICIALLY HALF WAY DONE! So far it seems to be going smoothly, i didn't feel so great when it was infusing last night, but now I just have fluids and am hoping for a Wednesday evening or Thursday morning discharge.

This past weekend was a really nice break from reality. My best friend Alex who is on the Saintsations at SLU with me flew in for my birthday and we hung with our other best friend Ali who lives on the west side. The three of us were joined at the hip from Thursday morning until yesterday when my mom took Alex back to the hospital. Having time with them is always so special because we never get to be all together, unless we are at school. Although we talk almost everyday, nothing beat the feeling of snuggling up with your best friends who just know how to put a smile on your face. These two girls will be in my life forever and I'm so blessed to know them already. On Saturday, we got our nails done at Legacy and did some shopping with my sister Mackenzie. Then, the four of us headed downtown for  dinner at The Chocolate Bar before walking over to the indians game. My dads office gets a suite for a game every once in awhile so we were surprised with a cake and great friends to enjoy the game with. It was a great evening.

After a nice breakfast yesterday morning at First Watch, Alex really helped talk me through a lot of my struggles. I'm always trying to stay strong and hang in there, but the more that summer passes, I get so bummed thinking I won't be headed to school for another 6 months. Although the end is in sight, I just wish it would come sooner. Laying in this empty hospital room gave me a lot to think about last night and today. I know I should be thankful for the care I am getting but I can't wait to be "normal" again. Things are always changing and I believe they are because they test our strength and our courage to push through. I'm physically worn out from theses consecutive hospital stays, but after next week I have a few week break. My knee gets sore a lot, but theres not much to do but suck it up.
Ugh, I just hate all the anxiety I get when this all builds up. Sometimes it really hits me, cancer...

Thinking of all of you today. When I am fully recovered and done with this, I am going to post a video of me cheerleading at St. Louis, back to where I was, back home.

change

As one of the aspects of my life improve, the others go by the way side. I am tired of feeling sick in many different ways, and I have no appetite to eat or drink anything. The methotrexate is clearing well and it's looking like I'll get out of here first thing in the morning.

I just got back from PT up on the 7th floor. Just did some basic exercises practicing more bending. Appreciating the small things is something I thought I had gotten better at but at the same time, things keep going down hill. Loss is something we are all faced with and its an unfortunate part of life. I feel like I just keep getting hit, blow by blow. Im tired of doing this, I am tired of this routine, I want to give up but I don't have a choice. Everyday, we lose something. We lose another day, we lose loved ones, we lose best friends. Although every loss is hard, I believe the hardest ones are the unexpected ones. I've learned over past events to wish nothing for the best for everyone you come in contact to. Happiness on your worst enemies, and sometimes you might come out on top. There has got to be a plan or reason for all the loss in this world and the changes we go through everyday. My mom keeps reminding me to "keep my head up" but sometimes its just too hard for that.

Sometimes sleeping your life aways seems like the best and only solution, like I'll wake up and this is all over.

love conquers all

Yesterday was an exciting day for the Evans family as my cousin, Alex, got married! The new Mr. and Mrs. Evans (Alex and Lindsay) looked amazing and I couldn't be happier for them. The ceremony and reception were beautiful! Alex and Lindsay themed their wedding around one of my favorite sayings... "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." It was so perfect for them because they have had to face more challenges in the last year of their lives that I couldn't ever imagine. It brought them together and when faced with a horrible situation, they put on their "game faces" and battled through it, together, with an angel watching over them. Love conquers all! 

I've been struggling lately with my game face and I have kind of been coming undone. I guess to put it simply, I feel like I am not always honest about how I feel. I am learning the hard way that its okay to "not be okay" sometimes. After dealing with the infection, I started to get aggravated and even more anxious  about hospital stays and just kind of being in a "slump." I don't think this wedding could have come at a more perfect time for me (selfishly). I am tired of the way my life is operating; constant schedules, hospitals, doctor visits, everything. And to add to that, setbacks. I don't think I will be able to handle hearing the word delay one more time! Insecurities about my appearance, drama and people that don't matter, and not appreciating people and things in front of you. But, taking time yesterday to see and understand the beautiful gift of marriage and love really helps to put my life into perspective. Seeing family, friends, and especially looking towards Alex and Lindsay's life together shows me that all this around us is all petty. Things like family, friends, and love are what get you through the toughest battles. The feeling of giving and receiving love is the best medicine for anything and it is such a critical part of our existence. I know that someday it will be me walking down the aisle when this is all behind me and I can think about what I have overcome, thanks to all the love in my life. Love gets me through all of this, the love of my family and any love being sent my way, it makes me stronger. 

Everyone has lemons in their life, and sometimes it just takes love to turn them into something sweeter, lemonade. I have three weeks in a row of lemons coming up. I check in tomorrow at 9:30 for high dose Methotrexate and I will hopefully be out of the hospital sometime on Thursday. Three weeks in a row of that routine is going to take a lot out of me, but I know I can make it through. I am really nervous and I get anxiety about these things but I know its all out of my control. These lemons are in my life for a reason, and maybe someday I will be lucky enough to understand why. My leg is healing well, the sutures should come out sometime this week and I am now able to bend my knee again! Being out of the immobilizer is fantastic, but it's going to be a lot of work at PT! Get excited Melissa! ;) After not having chemo for 4 weeks which should have been 2, I'm ready but nervous for tomorrow. I always get that pit in my stomach!

I have to ask something of all of you. Tonight, please spend time with someone you love. A family member, a friend, your significant other, take time to appreciate the love in your life. It's something I am blessed to always fall back on. I LOVE YOU ALL! don't ever forget it. 

P.S. COUNTDOWN: 17 weeks

One day at a time

Quick update...first, my apologizes for all the calls and texts and well wishes, I'm sorry if I've been terribly awful at responding. It means so much though, every message never goes unread!


Anyways, Dr. Joyce actually came home and pushed my first surgery up from Monday morning to Sunday morning! So sunday I went down to the OR around 8 am for the procedure to clean out the infected area and put some medicine in. Along with clearing the area in the procedure, they put a sponge and  this thing in my leg called a vac. It literally is a tiny negative pressure vacuum that sucks out any pus or blood and brings it to the surface which promotes healing from the inside out. This vac helps wounds heal about 3x faster than just on their own, so besides the inconvenience of carrying around a machine and it being attached to my leg, I don't mind it too much.


I came right out of surgery smiling and waving, you can't keep me down too much ;) I go back in for another procedure in about 3 hours to get the vac taken out and to get re-stitched up. I should be fine by about 4 pm. The doctors are still deliberating my plans for the next few days so I am uncertain of anything past 1:30 pm today haha. Discharge day/time and oral/IV antibiotics are just a few of the decisions that have to be settled between my three teams of doctors, Hematology and Oncology, Infectious Disease, and Orthopedics.


As for me, I've just about had it of being in here and with recent news that I won't be getting out on the 4th of July, I'm super bummed. I have a magnet my mom put on my white board of notes in the room here that says "One day at a time" and every time I look at it, I try and stop myself from getting caught up in all of this considering I've been here over a week now. Oh well, life happens.


Thank you all for the continuous prayers, love and support. I have the best family and friends I could ask for. Much love to you all


Em
P.S. Thanks to my wonderful barber, my boyfriend, Greg, I am now back to almost bald. My hair started falling out again so Greg got rid of it for me. We had some fun with that :)

Can't catch a break

You know how sometimes when you are driving and you see an object or a pothole or something in the road ahead and you swerve around it to avoid the rough ride over it? Well how about when you don't see those objects and you roughly run right over them, blind sighted. 


As my mom wrote yesterday, I spent the last few days up in M50 for a fever admission. It was a miserable stay just because I wanted to go home and I got a shot to boost my white counts that came with extreme bone pain that oxycodone and morphine couldn't fix. It was a rough few days and yesterday I was elated to go home around 3 pm. The trade off was, if I went home, I had to come back today to get a blood draw to check my counts to make sure they continued to go up. I gladly accepted that deal and came down today at 11 for that quick poke and planned to head to Greg's from there. Well, I was blind sighted with the way my day was about to unfold. I went in and told my nurse who was going to do the blood draw, "Hey just so you know there's an area on my incision that looks a little weird. Just wanted to let you know." That turned into, "Let me get one of your nurses real quick, that doesn't look so good." Two of my nurses came in along with various other nurses and doctors in the next few hours to take a look at my now infected looking spot of my incision. We paged Dr. Joyce, my surgeon, because this is now "his leg" and he was out of town. I recommended we page Dr. Wuerz, his resident (my assistant surgeon), and he was off campus at another Clinic location. He actually left his location and came here to look at my leg. He determined it definitely is infected. He swabbed that area and sent it to labs along with my now accessed port blood work. He took pictures and sent them to Dr. Joyce and then got on the phone with him. I was having a rough time, crying with my nurses over this span of about 2 hours. 30 minutes later, Dr. Wuerz came in and told me Dr. Joyce said I had to be admitted. 


To put it simply, I lost it. 


Dr. Wuerz, my nurses and other doctors all were there for me and I was updating my parents who by now were packing my bags and my Dad was coming down. My mom has a cold so she wanted to stay away from me until she feels better. I couldn't calm down. My time in S20 proceeded to get worse when Dr. Wuerz told me the plans for the next few days. He told me that first, they have to take a sample of the fluid in my knee because they have to make sure my new parts aren't infected. Next, Dr. Joyce will be home this weekend and Monday, instead of starting chemo, I have to go in for SURGERY to clean out/remove the infected area and fix me up. When I say surgery, I will go under the knife in the OR, but this infected area is only about an inch so it isn't major. The docs just warned me it might be a hole until it heals from the inside, out. He then told me I will be in here for about a week and start chemo towards the end of next week or until further notice when the surgical fix is healed. 


What. I came in for a quick poke in the arm. Not all this.
At this point, I couldn't take it anymore.


Dr. Wuerz came in again with a kit to get a fluid sample. I laid down on the table and two of my nurses, Holly and Becky were in there holding my hands while I was shaking and crying. The numbing shot stung very badly and didn't even numb a lot. I have a pretty high tolerance of pain, and the pain I felt from the syringe poking under my knee cap and around all the tender parts of my knee was unbearable. I was yelling and crying and squeezing their hands and I almost involuntarily kicked him. That was awful. After calling some friends and my parents trying to call me down, I got the okay to head up to M50 for admission. I just couldn't handle it. My best friend Ali and her mom Connie came and hung with me which really helped calm me down, great friends are so special in life. We then got up to M50 and I got hooked up to antibiotics and there are a few kinds. They are treating it right now as if it is some kind of resistant staph infection (the worst kind) until the cultures come back to determine what it really is. Also, to add to my fantastic day, I just got put in an immobilizer brace because the more I bend my knee, the more I re-open the infected area. I will be in that for about 6 weeks or so, and it becomes more crucial after surgery.


I can't explain to you the emotions that flooded through me when all this began to unfold. Blind sighted like driving over a bump in the road, I couldn't handle it. I just left here yesterday, and I'm back in the same room for about a week. My chemo is now delayed until the incision will heal after surgery, and I am so frustrated I am about to explode. My dad is with me tonight and I know I'm not really a joy to be around right now, he's a saint. He keeps telling me this really is just a bump in the road, one I couldn't swerve. That's life I guess. Goodnight everyone, from Em and Todd hanging in M50, we wish you a better night and better days than us. Hahaha

Visitors Badge (temporary)

Well...


It is momma and daddy-o.


Most things are following the course and along that line, nothing is ever "easy".  Likewise, we don't sit around too much and have had zero time to keep up with posts.


As brief as we are able, we can share that Em did a nice job recovering from her June 11 doses of chemotherapy.  She attended PT with Melissa and was doing well. She received an invite from Greg and his family to go to their lake house and did.   While there, she did well, ironically, Greg did not.   With a houseful of family and activity, he asked if Em could take him to the hospital.  Turns out, Greg had acute appendix -itis.... Strongly recommended that his appendix comes out.    So, being in a remote location is not typically known to have the best hospital care.  Em managed to negotiate the next steps with docs and Greg's parents on the phone.  She drove him directly from med center to the Cleveland Clinic ... about a two hour ride.  They checked in on Friday night, he had laproscopic surgery and Emily got to wear a CLEVELAND CLINIC VISITORS badge.  By all standards, it was her badge of honor.  While in the waiting room at 11 pm on Friday night, she had the true pleasure of seeing Dr. Joyce AND Dr. Wuerz walk by on separate occasions.  They were both taken back by seeing her, as were we, since this was a new part of the Clinic at a strange time and under strange circumstances.  Bravo to that team, winding down their day that began at 5:00 am with a stack full of medical files in tow.   Greg was discharged on Sunday and rest was had by all.


In the midst of all this action, baseball rolls on for Joe and Mackenzie had a wonderful Storad tour of Italy for 10 days.  She is so fortunate to have a teacher like him and had great pictures and stories to share with us about her Italy adventures.  Pretty sure there were at least 14 trips for Gelato.... among the ancient ruins, hills of Tuscany and along the shore of Lake Garda.  We are so pleased to have provided this to her, especially since being around home at the moment is no picnic.


Em had to trade in her VISITORS BADGE for an admission bracelet on Tuesday (yesterday) at 4:30 am.  She had a fever that just reached the threshold of "concern" so we made the fateful call to the doctor on call in the middle of the night.  What a complete bummer.  This was supposed to be "week off" .  We knew that from her visit to the clinic on Monday, her blood counts are low, as predicted.... but that combined with a fever, sets a potential scenario for trouble.  Off we went... here we are.


Since admission at the Cleveland Clinic, we have realized how busy things can get here.  Every bed is full and there are new admitted patients on Emily's floor over stretched staff.  They manage to get it all done, but they are at capacity.. just like us.  Emily had broad antibiotics and the fever quickly stayed below 99.something and is gone.  Since her counts are low, they gave her a "booster" of "G" which helps jump start white blood cell production.  Good to have, painful to live through.  By 7:00 pm last night, Em was in about the highest level of pain that she has had through the whole "little c" ride.  We agree, Em has a pretty high threshold for pain, and the lower back pain at the base of her tailbone was so uncomfortable... a little morphine + a little oxycodone + a little morphine and more oxycodone.... that is a lot for Em, but finally got comfortable enough to sleep.


Good news just came in the door... along with Dr. Carl.... she has one more dose of antibiotic and then she gets to go HOME!  She will report back  to the clinic tomorrow to check her blood levels.... she needs to be in the position to restart and get going with chemo on Monday... yippee... other folks can wear the VISITORS BADGE again soon.

Tired days

Okay I am so sorry for the gap of time since I last posted. Well, my last post was pretty much coming from a flood of emotions as I started to dive into what should be the final victory lap in my battle of cancer. Well, I can report, chemo is and was exactly what I was expecting...not fun. I can finally write about this experience because until today I was struggling with the nausea, today, I'm just exhausted. 
So Monday, I began my day with a hearing test which was fantastic. The cisplatin (yuck!) has the tendency to cause hearing problems for up to 2 years after treatment! I guess many hearing tests will be in my future. Anyways, my hearing is great (despite what my parent would say). So after that we checked into M50...all of us...mom, dad, nonie, papa, and me. the chemo started first with doxorubicin which was only 15 minutes. Then an hour of fluids before that big bad bag of cisplatin came in. That was a 4 hour drip, and I repeated the same schedule on Tuesday. Wednesday morning I actually was discharged from the hospital, it was nice to spend my crummy time at home this week versus in the hospital. Although none of my treatments are "easy", this past treatment, which is usually the worst, went much smoother than we expected?! Normally I can barely move, lay in bed all day and can't keep anything down. I haven't gotten sick once this whole week! Given, I obviously wasn't feeling good, but MUCH better than I usually am! I credit this to the fact that my tumor is gone-zo so the chemo has nothing to harbor in or severely attack, again, just a theory. I have been walking around, hanging out with some friends and relaxing this whole week! I am taking this streak of luck and enjoying every second of it! 
 Today, I could barely stand at mass with the fam. I am so so so fatigued and exhausted! I thought I was over the crumminess but I've been laying in bed all day. I guess that's what I should have expected. I still have the needle accessed in my port to get connected to fluids over night, that definitely has helped. I head back to the clinic on Tuesday for a check up and to get the needle out. 
 On another note, I have to say happy father's day to all the amazing dads out there. I'm so fortunate to have such an amazing role model and friend in my life, my daddyo, Todd. Papa, my grandpa is also here to celebrate fathers day with us, and he is also someone I look up to and strive to live like. Both of these amazing men and my dad's father, grandpa, have shown me how to live freely, work your hardest, and love unconditionally. To all of you missing your fathers on this day, you are all in my prayers and know they are sending you love always, no matter how far, even from that place up in the sky. I hope you all had an amazing week and another great one coming up. Sending my love two-fold to all of you. And Dad, I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I love you to the moon and back, thank you for all that you do for me Kenz, and joe. Especially in this time, I lean on you and you are alway there.
 Keep your heads up and enjoy your evenings with the ones you love. I know I am. Love, Em