I didn't get out of the hospital until Saturday from my last chemo admission. This past Monday I went to the doc for labs and to get admitted for more chemo but we found out I still had chemo in my system from last round, and those levels were too high. My body is so tired and so weak it doesn't want to do this anymore so my kidneys and everything are tired of filtering out the chemo. I was sent home disappointed again, and told to come back Thursday to try again.
Thursday was met with more disappointment. Although it took me a week and a half, I had finally cleared the methotrexate from my system but, my blood counts dropped. I am neutropenic and now my platelets are too low to receive chemo. I couldn't hold my tears in anymore.
5 weeks, 4 treatments.
I'm stuck in this holding place. I want to keep going and just be done. I was supposed to be finished with treatment the last week in October, but now I keep getting delayed, I'm to the week of thanksgiving now. I just want to be done. Im tired of this. My body is tired, I want my life back. My energy, my hair, my muscle, everything that I can do when poison won't be streaming through my veins. I am SO ready to put a close on this chapter of my life. Talking to my coach, Lori, and my friend Amanda about basketball season just gets me so much more excited to go back to school, to cheer, to my friends, everything. January 10th will be my return to the sideline and school. I'm determined that one day I will see a cure for cancer. All this hurt will go away. Although I am down right now, I keep reminding myself to just "let go." One of my favorite sayings is "Let go and let God" whomever your god may be. I have to let go because I don't have control. Just take it one day at a time and let go. Things will get better and when they do, they will be great. But there is no easy way to let go.
“A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again.”
Hi Emily,
ReplyDeleteLet go and let God is one of my favorite reminders when things seem to spin out of control, too. It's a reminder that there's a bigger plan for you.
Sounds like the homestretch is nearly as stressful as the beginning of your journey - or perhaps even more so. You've been patient and thoughtful for so long. Your body is telling you what it needs. Keep your heart focused on the outcome!
Love,
Connie (and Ali)
Hola Emily!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHoney, don't be sad. You have done a long way till here and now. You cannot give up in those circumstances when you are nearly in the finishing line! You have demonstrate to yourself that you can live hard moments, let’s call it in a “good” way.
Sometimes people are false because they think that their life will be better. Don’t believe everything that people post on the Internet because not everything is true and honest. Don't believe if someone says that his/her live is PERFECT, because he/she perhaps hasn't met HAPINESS or LOVE. And YOU (more than anyone) know the meaning of those words.
EVERYONE has his own problems. Every family has their own arguments. Being rich doesn't mean to have everything. So please, PLEASE! DON’T BE SAD because you have taken the most valuable thing of the existence: LOVE.
Did you know that Spanish people are well known for its latin character? Our traditional dance (flamenco) is a way to open up the character and feelings that keep inside of us. I send you the most powerful strength from those lands to keep living your live!
BE HAPPY!
T’estimo moooooolt,
Judit
Emily,
ReplyDeleteRemember it's ok to have down days, just as long as there are more up days. You never know what you're capable of getting through until you've crossed those bridges, and you've come a long way. Just picture youself at this time last year. So much has changed, and soon enough you'll be back on your feet amazed by all you've accomplished.
EMMY!!!
ReplyDeleteI loved being able to talk to you the other day. 88 more days until your little booty is on the sidelines where it should be. Love you!
xoxo
Manda Bear
Hang tough, we're all still praying for you and following your story. Know that not everyone could have done what you have gone thru and kept going. I wish for you the faith, courage and hope to finish the race.
ReplyDeleteEmily!!! It's been ages we havent talked!! frown but I know that ure getting over everything due to ur strongness by reading ur blog or talking with Judit
ReplyDeleteI want u to know that ure a heroe for us!! How u have come over ur illness, and now u can't give up cuz u are getting to the end. We're so so so proud of u and we miss u and love u so so much!!!
I would love to talk to u soon!!
Tell me something smile
Alvaro
Emily,
ReplyDeleteThe Crozier's continue to think and pray for you daily. Yes one day this will be over and you'll continue to be an inspiration to others.
Love,
The Crozier Family
Hi, Emily! I think it's great that you've zeroed in on a 12-step approach to this gargantuan problem you've been handed. Besides Let Go and Let God, another of their favorite sayings is One Day At A Time -- totally against a normal 19-year-old's philosophy, but....every hard thing you've ever done and will ever do had to be broken down into manageable pieces. And eventually all those 24-hour periods you're stacking up will add up to being DONE. Really. You're almost done with that elephant sandwich.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for patience for you, another super-hard challenge at 19 (-:
Much love,
Mrs. Yoo