Tradeoffs

Last week wasn't the best week for me. I went in on Monday for the beginning of my fourth five-week cycle of treatment to begin. Cisplatin and Dox were on the docket, but when I checked in over in s20 they sent my blood to the lab and it turns out my platelets were too low to receive chemo. They need to be at 75,000, meaning your bone marrow is strong enough to handle the drugs, and mine was at 64,000. They sent me home and said come back on Wednesday. So, Wednesday rolls around and I went back to find my platelets had dropped down to 55,000. I was sent home again and said to come back on Monday. I'll head back in in about an hour and hopefully find myself finally checking in! I really didn't need the delay, but the week off was nice. I got to see many old friends and be "normal" for a few days...enjoying the end of summer.

I am really bummed I couldn't get chemo last week because I was looking forward to leaving today for Chicago to see my best friend and go to a Coldplay concert. Unfortunately, the delay was just a "little reminder" or a wake up call that I can't really plan for anything at this point in my life. Trying to make plans a week in advance isn't something I can do. When I sat in the doctors office on Wednesday when I got delayed a second time I just started crying because I was so frustrated. I just want to keep moving with this whole thing so it can be done already. My doctors politely reminded me to "expect the unexpected" and this is what my life is right now. I have to go one day at a time and plan for things to come up that I may not be prepared for. They said trying to plan ahead on anything will just set me up for disappointment. I was really looking forward to seeing my friends in Chicago, but hey, life happens.

I guess all I really have to say is that I'm so done with all of this. I'm not giving up but I am becoming more disappointed with how my life is right now and I have to keep my expectations low. One day this will all just be a bump in the road of my life but right now its getting harder and harder to finish. My friends all leave for school here in a few weeks and then I will be at home for the semester like I was in the spring, just wishing I could be back at school. Don't take anything for granted, your life could change in the blink of an eye. There will always be tradeoffs in our life. If we make one decision, it leads to this or another, leads to something else, positives and negatives of every choice, decision, or action. I like to think I go for the positives, open my heart and hope for the best. Sometimes things don't work out, but I guess thats life. You just pick up the pieces and figure out your next move.

I hope you all have a fantastic day, I am sending you love and prayers constantly! Fingers crossed I get chemo today! It's the LAST CISPLATIN (nasty one) I'LL EVER HAVE TO GET! Words cannot even begin to describe how excited I am! Although, no matter how many times I get chemo, I still get a pit in my stomach the night before and morning of. Not a fun thing to see on your plan for the day. Peace to you all!