Put yourself in someone else's shoes

How many times in a day do we think about ourselves. We get caught up in the hustle of our daily lives. I've come to notice a great reality that bad things in life are inevitable. Because, who wants to coast through life anyways? As my mom always says, "that's not living." Our burdens bring us down and don't give us a chance to look towards someone else for love, compassion, or anything outside our own realities. Being on this floor is such a blessing for me. M50, all the nurses, doctors, and patients put a smile on my face everyday. The babies, the younger boys and girls, these are the strongest families I have ever met and probably will ever meet. My friend on this floor is struggling. She is thousands of miles from home battling cancer at the young age of 11. We have become extremely close and right now she isn't doing well. I pray for her and her family everyday and I wish I could take it all away from her. She's giving up mentally and we are the only two that really know what it's like.


Life is such a roller coaster and has so many ups, downs, loops, and secret plans for us and we always sit back and ask why. When one door closes, if we look close enough, we can see 5 more doors opening in it's place to lead us in the right direction. I have  The Scientist by Coldplay on repeat, and there are lyrics that just keep repeating..."nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard." Life is hard. challenges face us everyday and my dad always taught me, its not about what happens to us, its how we react to it. We can only control ourselves and thats all that really matters. Getting caught up in ourselves leaves no room for compassion.


For anyone interested, please come visit this beautiful floor of M50, filled with my friends and amazing people who inspire me everyday. Take a walk in their shoes, its a journey I think you would truly enjoy. I have so much more of a deeper perspective on life that I consider myself blessed to have this insight. Smiles, hugs, or just a quick hello can truly brighten someones day. I should be getting out of here sometime tonight or if not tonight, in the morning. I am clearing the methotrexate well, but for once, part of me wants to stay? I am enjoying my time alone, to think, to spend time with people that might need just a simple smile. I think that is something I want to do with my life. Maybe work somewhere in Child Life services, child psychology, or something I could do to help other kids who are in my shoes. Although I am sick of this journey, I have found  home on M50 and someday I won't need to be here every week, but you can bet i'll be visiting plenty. 


Do you ever want to give up? When everything is going wrong? I know I do. We're only human. All I have to say is persevere. giving up isn't an option, too many people care about you. Especially me.

Can only take so much

Hey everybody, here's another another update from my wonderful bed in M50. I checked into M50 yesterday for another Methotrexate admission. This is the last week of my 3rd 5 week cycle, OFFICIALLY HALF WAY DONE! So far it seems to be going smoothly, i didn't feel so great when it was infusing last night, but now I just have fluids and am hoping for a Wednesday evening or Thursday morning discharge.

This past weekend was a really nice break from reality. My best friend Alex who is on the Saintsations at SLU with me flew in for my birthday and we hung with our other best friend Ali who lives on the west side. The three of us were joined at the hip from Thursday morning until yesterday when my mom took Alex back to the hospital. Having time with them is always so special because we never get to be all together, unless we are at school. Although we talk almost everyday, nothing beat the feeling of snuggling up with your best friends who just know how to put a smile on your face. These two girls will be in my life forever and I'm so blessed to know them already. On Saturday, we got our nails done at Legacy and did some shopping with my sister Mackenzie. Then, the four of us headed downtown for  dinner at The Chocolate Bar before walking over to the indians game. My dads office gets a suite for a game every once in awhile so we were surprised with a cake and great friends to enjoy the game with. It was a great evening.

After a nice breakfast yesterday morning at First Watch, Alex really helped talk me through a lot of my struggles. I'm always trying to stay strong and hang in there, but the more that summer passes, I get so bummed thinking I won't be headed to school for another 6 months. Although the end is in sight, I just wish it would come sooner. Laying in this empty hospital room gave me a lot to think about last night and today. I know I should be thankful for the care I am getting but I can't wait to be "normal" again. Things are always changing and I believe they are because they test our strength and our courage to push through. I'm physically worn out from theses consecutive hospital stays, but after next week I have a few week break. My knee gets sore a lot, but theres not much to do but suck it up.
Ugh, I just hate all the anxiety I get when this all builds up. Sometimes it really hits me, cancer...

Thinking of all of you today. When I am fully recovered and done with this, I am going to post a video of me cheerleading at St. Louis, back to where I was, back home.

change

As one of the aspects of my life improve, the others go by the way side. I am tired of feeling sick in many different ways, and I have no appetite to eat or drink anything. The methotrexate is clearing well and it's looking like I'll get out of here first thing in the morning.

I just got back from PT up on the 7th floor. Just did some basic exercises practicing more bending. Appreciating the small things is something I thought I had gotten better at but at the same time, things keep going down hill. Loss is something we are all faced with and its an unfortunate part of life. I feel like I just keep getting hit, blow by blow. Im tired of doing this, I am tired of this routine, I want to give up but I don't have a choice. Everyday, we lose something. We lose another day, we lose loved ones, we lose best friends. Although every loss is hard, I believe the hardest ones are the unexpected ones. I've learned over past events to wish nothing for the best for everyone you come in contact to. Happiness on your worst enemies, and sometimes you might come out on top. There has got to be a plan or reason for all the loss in this world and the changes we go through everyday. My mom keeps reminding me to "keep my head up" but sometimes its just too hard for that.

Sometimes sleeping your life aways seems like the best and only solution, like I'll wake up and this is all over.

love conquers all

Yesterday was an exciting day for the Evans family as my cousin, Alex, got married! The new Mr. and Mrs. Evans (Alex and Lindsay) looked amazing and I couldn't be happier for them. The ceremony and reception were beautiful! Alex and Lindsay themed their wedding around one of my favorite sayings... "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." It was so perfect for them because they have had to face more challenges in the last year of their lives that I couldn't ever imagine. It brought them together and when faced with a horrible situation, they put on their "game faces" and battled through it, together, with an angel watching over them. Love conquers all! 

I've been struggling lately with my game face and I have kind of been coming undone. I guess to put it simply, I feel like I am not always honest about how I feel. I am learning the hard way that its okay to "not be okay" sometimes. After dealing with the infection, I started to get aggravated and even more anxious  about hospital stays and just kind of being in a "slump." I don't think this wedding could have come at a more perfect time for me (selfishly). I am tired of the way my life is operating; constant schedules, hospitals, doctor visits, everything. And to add to that, setbacks. I don't think I will be able to handle hearing the word delay one more time! Insecurities about my appearance, drama and people that don't matter, and not appreciating people and things in front of you. But, taking time yesterday to see and understand the beautiful gift of marriage and love really helps to put my life into perspective. Seeing family, friends, and especially looking towards Alex and Lindsay's life together shows me that all this around us is all petty. Things like family, friends, and love are what get you through the toughest battles. The feeling of giving and receiving love is the best medicine for anything and it is such a critical part of our existence. I know that someday it will be me walking down the aisle when this is all behind me and I can think about what I have overcome, thanks to all the love in my life. Love gets me through all of this, the love of my family and any love being sent my way, it makes me stronger. 

Everyone has lemons in their life, and sometimes it just takes love to turn them into something sweeter, lemonade. I have three weeks in a row of lemons coming up. I check in tomorrow at 9:30 for high dose Methotrexate and I will hopefully be out of the hospital sometime on Thursday. Three weeks in a row of that routine is going to take a lot out of me, but I know I can make it through. I am really nervous and I get anxiety about these things but I know its all out of my control. These lemons are in my life for a reason, and maybe someday I will be lucky enough to understand why. My leg is healing well, the sutures should come out sometime this week and I am now able to bend my knee again! Being out of the immobilizer is fantastic, but it's going to be a lot of work at PT! Get excited Melissa! ;) After not having chemo for 4 weeks which should have been 2, I'm ready but nervous for tomorrow. I always get that pit in my stomach!

I have to ask something of all of you. Tonight, please spend time with someone you love. A family member, a friend, your significant other, take time to appreciate the love in your life. It's something I am blessed to always fall back on. I LOVE YOU ALL! don't ever forget it. 

P.S. COUNTDOWN: 17 weeks

One day at a time

Quick update...first, my apologizes for all the calls and texts and well wishes, I'm sorry if I've been terribly awful at responding. It means so much though, every message never goes unread!


Anyways, Dr. Joyce actually came home and pushed my first surgery up from Monday morning to Sunday morning! So sunday I went down to the OR around 8 am for the procedure to clean out the infected area and put some medicine in. Along with clearing the area in the procedure, they put a sponge and  this thing in my leg called a vac. It literally is a tiny negative pressure vacuum that sucks out any pus or blood and brings it to the surface which promotes healing from the inside out. This vac helps wounds heal about 3x faster than just on their own, so besides the inconvenience of carrying around a machine and it being attached to my leg, I don't mind it too much.


I came right out of surgery smiling and waving, you can't keep me down too much ;) I go back in for another procedure in about 3 hours to get the vac taken out and to get re-stitched up. I should be fine by about 4 pm. The doctors are still deliberating my plans for the next few days so I am uncertain of anything past 1:30 pm today haha. Discharge day/time and oral/IV antibiotics are just a few of the decisions that have to be settled between my three teams of doctors, Hematology and Oncology, Infectious Disease, and Orthopedics.


As for me, I've just about had it of being in here and with recent news that I won't be getting out on the 4th of July, I'm super bummed. I have a magnet my mom put on my white board of notes in the room here that says "One day at a time" and every time I look at it, I try and stop myself from getting caught up in all of this considering I've been here over a week now. Oh well, life happens.


Thank you all for the continuous prayers, love and support. I have the best family and friends I could ask for. Much love to you all


Em
P.S. Thanks to my wonderful barber, my boyfriend, Greg, I am now back to almost bald. My hair started falling out again so Greg got rid of it for me. We had some fun with that :)