So it's 2:33 and I just woke up about 15 minutes ago and can't fall back asleep. There are so many thoughts racing through my mind right now...there aren't enough words in the dictionary to explain how I feel.
This morning, I woke up at my friends house around 9 am with another mini anxiety attack thinking about whats to come tomorrow...this upcoming morning. I feel so good right now, things are going great and I am making great progress with walking, bending my knee, and not to mention, my hair is growing back fast! I even have eyelashes and eyebrows which I've really missed. In the morning, with chemo beginning, all these things will be lost. I know it's temporary and I keep telling myself I need to just put my head down and push through these next 20 weeks. Truthfully, I don't want to do any of it. The nausea, the sickness, the mouth sores, and all the other side effects of these powerful drugs are the worst feelings in the world. I can't explain it...it's truthfully miserable. It's just as bad if not worse than anything you imagine cancer and chemotherapy to be, and I guess only people who have gone through it would understand. My family and all my friends have to sit and watch me go through this and watch my body change and get weaker and weaker.
I feel like I could barely handle the first 10 weeks and now going through 20 will be even harder. I can't wait for this all to be over, to get my life back, to be "normal" again. February 10th was a day that changed my life and my parents and I sat hearing my diagnosis not knowing what the future held. Now we can see it and we know what to expect. I guess I don't really have a choice about tomorrow, all I can say to sum up my feelings is that tonight after a great family dinner at Momocho in Ohio City near downtown, Greg and I were driving home and I asked him to stop at Gesu, my Church, before we headed home. We sat in the quiet church and I cried with him by my side, and prayed for the strength mentally and physically, patience and peace of mind, and blessings for my family, friends, and myself to get through this. But most of all, I prayed for a cure for cancer.
May God Bless you and your family and friends as you start your next phase of treatments today. Many prayers today and always. xoxo Mrs. Borkey
ReplyDeleteDear Emily - I can't even imagine what you are going through, but I can only hope that the chemo goes better the second time around. I remember thinking several weeks ago that from your blog posts it appeared as if your body was responding better to the chemo treatments as you neared the end of the first rounds of treatments, so hopefully that will continue. Stay strong and stay positive just as you have throughout this whole process. I know that you and TeamEvans will be able the handle the next stage of your treatments with the grace and determination that has gotten you this far! You are in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete-Maria Murphy
Emily,
ReplyDeleteEveryone encounters different challenges in life. Personally, I've had to deal with a physical disability my whole life. I know it can be tough when you want to have a "normal" life, but are cooped up and unable to live the life you'd like to. What is 4 "normal" anyway? This fight right now is temporary. You WILL get through this. So many people love you more than you'll never know. One of the quotes I love is "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." - Friedrich Nietzsche
One of my favorite songs to get me through the tough times is One Day, by Matisyahu ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRmBChQjZPs )
The lyrics still make me cry.
You are doing GREAT, keep going, and when you're done with this in 20 weeks, you'll be able to look back on this experience and find so much joy in knowing how much this journey has changed you and allowed you to appreciate everything in life that much more.
GO Bills!
Dear Emily,
ReplyDeleteWe continue to be amazed and so grateful for your insights and honesty in letting us be with you every day through this blog. Our hope is that you will tolerate this next round of treatment with less difficulty, now that you know what to expect and have come through these last few months with such strength and courage. We are really looking forward to your post in the fall telling us the chemo is over and your leg feels great!
Love,
The Coburns
I've been thinking about you leading up to today. I know there has to be a special kind of dread because you know what you're in for, and the reprise post-surgery must feel like a cruel gift sometimes. You WILL prevail, Em. You are amazing, you have the support, and even though it will absolutely SUCK, you will win out. You've come so far, love. You CAN do this. xoxo -- love from Kansas.
ReplyDeleteDear Emily,
ReplyDeleteMy prayer for you is that the anxiety over the next 20 weeks turns out to be worse then the event itself (easier said than done, I suppose). We all continue to pray that you endure this next phase in the journey with all the strength, faith and love that has gotten you to this point. You are strong, you will prevail, you are loved. We just wish it didn't have to be such a difficult road. Extra hugs to you today and lots and lots of love.
The Sommerfelds
May God bless you with good health Emily Evans! Thank you for sharing your heroic journey with us!
ReplyDeleteHey Emily, its Chris from physical therapy (the Akron soccer player). Melissa gave me your blog link, hope u don't mind. It's quite the read. It was great meeting u the other day. You're very upbeat and a pleasure to be around. You'll have to let me know when u are s scheduled for pt again or where you're getting treatment so I can come visit u or send u something since I work downtown. But I hope all is well and I look forward to talking to u very soon.
ReplyDeleteChris
Hi Emily. I'm Ashtyn's mom. I just wanted to post and let you know how proud we are of you down here in Springfield, Illinois. I don't think you realize this but you are a real inspiration to many people, Ashtyn and myself included. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this has been on you and your family. Like you said unless you have experienced the side effects of the chemotherapy no one can know what you must have felt when writing this post. What I do know is that you have a beautiful heart and a contagious loving spirit that everyone sees despite the mouth sores, the hair loss and no eyelashes. Beauty is on the inside and girlfriend you are wearing the crown of glory. You should know that your strength, resilience and overall optimism is not only admirable but catching. You should know, you have reached hero status around here! We are praying for you. Ashtyn is desperately looking forward to the opportunity to see you again soon. Love and prayers, The Keans
ReplyDeleteEmily, you are the strongest 18 year old I have known. You can do this!! We send our love and prayers daily. Anna sends a special hug and hopes her pillow gives u a smile! Thinking of you always... Love, the Soeder's
ReplyDeleteBrave, beautiful Emily - Your posting brought tears to my eyes and I know I'm not alone in wishing that one of us held the magic wand to take these cards from you. But in some way, I think we do. Each prayer made, each thought and hope that is sent your way, each tear that is shed (and each smile too) is our magic wand of love and support. And it's only possible because of your courageous choice to share this journey with us. We are ALL invested in your experience. Thank you for teaching all of us about courage, grace and love.
ReplyDelete~ KD Mom xoxo
Emily,
ReplyDeleteI know it's so hard to reenter the world of chemo again, but you are a strong and determined person with great strength, incredible courage, and the prayers of many, many people behind you. Keep up the fight! God will bless you with good health just as he has blessed you with beautiful, supportive and loving family and friends. Think of the post you will write when you are done with all of this.
Blessings to you!
Hi Emily - I have been following your blog for months. My daughter, Abby is proud to call you one of her SLU friends. I remember Ab coming home from Saintsation tryouts late her Sr year talking about the great girls she had met and your name was of course mentioned. When she shared with me what had happened with your leg I was so sad for you, thinking of how hard this must be for you and your family. Then Abby showed me your blog. I instantly knew after reading many posts that Team Evan's response to this trial was going to touch and inspire so many people. This revelation probably doesn't make things any easier but please know that it does help those who are just beginning a battle, whatever it may be. You CAN do this and when you don't have the confidence and courage for the next day, please reread your blog. Whether it's your own words or your family or friends' words, every post in this blog has what I consider a special message to us all. You are a precious child of God, He is using you in people's lives that you don't even know. Be strong Emily. God is with you and God is using you.
ReplyDeleteAmen.
DeleteGod listens to angels on Earth like you so keep talking to Him. We are all here for you and pulling for you. You truly have the worst behind you and the best things in life in front of you. We will try to make this next 19 weeks go as fast as possible for you. You are almost there! Keep going you beautiful lady! We love you so much!
ReplyDeleteThe Kurtz's
Thinking of you every single day. You and your family are constantly in my prayers. Emily, you are quite the fighter. Your strength and irrefutable faith truly keeps MY head up. You amaze us all. <3
ReplyDelete-Brenna
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