Shake it out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs


Listening to some music today, I came across the song "Shake it out" by Florence + The Machine. I would highly recommend it, and it inspired me for this post. Above is the link to the song, hope you like it!


Today was my weekly trip to S20 for a check up on my blood counts. It was a treat to have my little bro with me, Joe hasn't been able to come to one of my check ups because he's usually at school. But, he is on spring break now so it's fun hanging with him during the day. Just as expected, my blood counts are extremely low, as this marks "day 14" after my last treatment, when my counts are expected to be at their lowest. I am at 0.10 neutrophils, and anything below 0.5 is considered "neutropenic" or extremely susceptible for infection. I have virtually no immune system right now, so I will be laying low for the next few days or so! Hand sanitizer, masks, and lots of hand washing have taken over the house once again but I understand because it's necessary. I don't want to end up in the hospital with a fever like last time! Overall though, I am extremely happy to report, I AM FEELING GREAT! I don't want to jinx myself, but I feel completely "normal" again and am eating well! I feel like I can do anything right now, like I am healthy again. Soon enough, that will be me again, no doubt.


In the song "Shake it Out," some lines of lyrics stuck out to me...
"It's always darkest before the dawn." Today I also found out some news I wasn't expecting. It's my own fault, but in my mind, I painted a picture of my recovery from surgery that was completely different than the reality I am facing. I am one month away from surgery to remove the tumor (details of surgery to follow soon!). In my mind, I thought that if I am getting a knee replacement (most likely) that I would be walking shortly after to make sure nothing gets too stiff in healing. I was faced with the reality that this is not true whatsoever. I will be in a long brace to keep my leg completely still for a few weeks. I was painted the picture that I will be in a wheel chair for most of the summer, which I wasn't expecting. I will likely be able to begin to learn to walk again around the time that my treatment is all over in the middle of September, but nothing is for certain. I know it's my own fault, but I guess I just wasn't prepared to hear that my recovery will take a lot longer than I expected. "It's always darkest before the dawn." Lots of hard times to come, pain, frustration, disappointment, the darkest is yet to come. But, the dawn comes after. The sun will come out again, it always does. The dawn WILL come. Gosh, being on crutches and pretty immobile since January, I am so looking forward to taking my first baby steps walking again when I am cancer free. It seems like so far away but I'm always going one step at a time. The hardest times are coming but right after them, the dawn will rise. I will recover, even if it is longer than I expected.


"It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off, shake it out." 
Worn down, and tired of this, I often find myself facing the demons I'm battling with a heavy heart. Literally, I love to dance and it's a great release for any stress or frustration, but sometimes I am not able to dance. I get worn down with my battles, the devil I am facing, and give up. The reason I love this song so much is because it reminds me to shake him off. To stop worrying about my problems and to dance again. It's hard to live a life of sadness and troubles that constantly worry and frustrate us. It's hard to be so down, so shake it off! Think about all the good things going for you and learn to dance again. Learn to have happy days and please live each moment to the fullest, nothing good comes from your "devils" wearing on your back. 
Tonight I am a little disappointed because I am not at my end of the year team banquet for Saintsations. I miss my team very much, but I am there in spirit! I dance for you. 


Tonight, for me, shake the devils off your back, even just for a moment, please learn to dance again. Love the life you live and try to appreciate all the small things. It's always darkest before the dawn. Sending you all the love in my heart and wishing much peace to you all.