Update: This One's For You, Mom and Dad!

Hello!

Well, I was planning to write an update about a week ago, on February 10th, as I am now four years post-diagnosis. Crazy, right? I don't know if sometimes it feels like just yesterday or if it actually feels like a lifetime ago...all I know is I am glad we are all past it!

I have to admit, when my mom told me I should write an update, I wasn't sure if I should post anything, as I am now just "normal" Emily Evans - college graduate and working gal, new employee of an amazing company in Valley View, Ohio (back home, for good!). When I tried to get onto my Blogger account to write an update last week, I could not remember the email I had attached to my account! It's been four years and I thought to myself, "OK really, Emily? You've forgotten your email address?" I'm not kidding, I probably spent about 45 minutes trying to recover all of my old emails and I couldn't remember any of them. The funniest thing happened...later that night, my boyfriend, Zak, and I went out to dinner and I received a phone call from the John Cook School of Business at SLU asking for an "alumni donation". I talked to the nicest freshman at SLU (working in the annual giving fund) and I tried to be polite and hear him out as I am sure it must be a difficult job to do. So, I am listening to the guy trying to get some of my information, when he asked, "Ma'am, is your email still ____@yahoo.com?" and a light bulb literally turned on in my head! That was the email attached with my Blogger account! I'm sure Zak didn't much appreciate that I was on the phone during our dinner, but I swear, that was a sign from God. Having spent 45 minutes trying to remember it earlier that day... So, now I am giving an update, thanks to that sweet freshman at SLU who reminded me of my login information for this blog.

Funny the way things happen.

Anyways, this past year has been full of highs and lows, The highs have been great, and the lows have been hard. I'll focus on the highs today...

I got to celebrate all of my friends graduating last May, my family moved out of our home of 18 years in July to a beautiful home a few miles down the road and we gained two lovely neighbors: my Nonie and Papa from Seattle. My mom's parents moved across the country and into the attached house in our new home. It has been quite an adventure, but one that we are loving so much. Zak got a new job and moved to Pittsburgh also in July, (I swear, we have been doing this long-distance thing our whole relationship). I stayed for summer classes at SLU which allowed me to graduate on December 11th. Wow- what a day that was. My whole family + Nonie and Papa + Zak were able to fly out and close the college chapter of my book with a great weekend of celebration. Earlier in November, I celebrated 3 years cancer free and I also accepted a position as the Human Resources Coordinator at ExactCare Pharmacy in Valley View, Ohio, and I could not be more proud and excited to be an employee with this company, truly my dream job. I started the Monday following graduation, December 14th, another whirlwind. I am living at home (I swear my parents are happy about it!) and loving being back in Cleveland. This past weekend, I was also honored at the "Brave Hearts Gala" hosted by an incredible organization, Ears to You, founded by Ruth Crane. It was an evening full of fun and celebration honoring nine cancer survivors. I had the opportunity to share the night with people I love, and I am so grateful. 

Growing up definitely has it's challenges, but this is now part of a new chapter for me, which I will call "adulthood", and I am loving each day as it passes. I've been trying to work on not always looking forward to what's next, but enjoying each day as the present. 

- Emily

Ears to You Organization: http://earstoyou.org/
ExactCare Pharmacy: https://www.exactcarepharmacy.com/

Being Alive is the Meaning

"And if I had the choice of going back in time, somehow, and preventing the cancer, I wouldn't since it would change so many things."
-Esther Earl, "This Star Won't Go Out"

This past Monday, I made it home for a day of check ups and scans at the Cleveland Clinic. Monday I had an amazing day, just my Dad and I. The day of check ups began bright and early at 7:30 am at the Clinic. My day started with an Echocardiogram, which I receive every 6 months, to monitor my heart health as Doxorubicin, one of my chemos, can cause long term heart damage. The Echo was followed by and EKG, and then wandering all over the Clinic visiting doctors and nurses, my family. Definitely turns into a social hour when I'm there, but I wouldn't want it any other way. After visiting M50, Daddy-o and I headed to my CT Scan of my lungs. This scan is the "most important" because it shows any signs of Osteosarcoma relapse. The first place it would spread would be my lungs, so these are the "scans" I refer to, to make sure I am still cancer free! Next was audiology to check my hearing as Methotrexate, another chemo, can cause long term hearing loss, so we keep a close eye on that as well.

After this, Dad and I left campus for a little and headed to Winking Lizard for a bite to eat. On a sappy note, do you ever sit back and appreciate your parents or family? Sometimes I get so overwhelmed thinking about how fortunate I am to have the family that I have...this was one of these moments. I enjoyed every second I had with my dad, never wanting to leave his side.

After lunch, we headed back to campus for my visit in S20 where social hour ensued. I was so lucky I got so see a friend, Justin, who also beat cancer and was there for his check ups (GO Justin!) and we got to catch up briefly! But, when I was there, I was moved to tears sitting in the waiting room. All the anxiety of the scans and the memories of so much time spent in this wonderful place came over me and I quietly cried as I watched an exhausted mother push her daughter in a wheelchair back and forth in the waiting room. The girl looked exhausted and like she was losing all hope as she held her head in her hands just waiting for the same routine; check in, get chemo, feel sick...over and over and over. It broke my heart and the survivor guilt set in like it had never before. There I was, a healthy, relatively happy 20 year old so excited to see everyone, the opposite of the poor girl in the wheelchair. I told my dad right then that there is no one I have more respect for than the incredible patients and their strong families in this place. No one.

When I was able to get a room in the doctors office, I got to see so many friendly faces. It feels like home when I am there. All my doctors, fellows, nurses, everyone is so happy to see me, and I am happy to see them, two-fold. I miss the routine of being there, I miss the care, the love, and the family ties that I have with so many people there. The cravings I have to be back there are so complicated I cannot explain them. After visiting with wonderful friends, my doctor came in who was also excited to see me. After a quick catch up, we got down to business and she told me everything looked great. We looked over all my test results showing my heart is very healthy, EKG was great, audiology is changing slightly but still in normal ranges, and the CT scan showed I still have two little nodules that I've had since diagnosis and have not changed, meaning no metastatic cancer in my lungs! (maybe just scars from a previous infection). So here I am, 15 months cancer free. And with what I am about to tell you, I hope I do not offend anyone.

I was disappointed when I saw my scans were clear.

When my doctor finished showing me, she asked me "how are you really doing?" and I lost it, right then and there, sitting on that check up table in S20 with Finding Nemo stickers and blinds surrounding me. I told her about my anxiety about scans, the sad scene I saw in the waiting room, and how I actually long to be back in S20 and M50, with the people I call family, in such a safe and comforting place. I cried to her about the survivor guilt I feel and how different my life is and how I'm still trying to figure it all out...why I am still here. I cried to her about everything, how selfish I feel for even having these feelings and wanting to be sick again. Much to my surprise, she told me everything I am feeling is so normal.

She explained that everyone reacts differently to the struggle patients are faced with. Some stay closed off, some just do what they need to do to get by, and some, like me, soak up every minute and make the most of their time, making memories along the way. Everyone's reactions are different and completely totally their own and exactly how they need to react to make it through each day. There is no right or wrong. With my heart, it was hard to leave a place I call home. Ever since I was pronounced cancer free and sent back to the real world, life hasn't been the same. It was foolish of me to think it could be, but hey, we're all human. I long for everything that the Clinic offered me and the feelings of comfort and routine I had while I was sick. It was my own little garden of Eden in a mess of a world and a time of struggle. Maybe it is just my coping mechanism, forgetting all the bad times, but I know that the Cleveland Clinic and my symphony of care will always hold a special place in my heart.

I am still working through these feelings and learning how to process them all. The recovery from cancer is a lot longer than I was expecting, but day by day, I am figuring myself out more. So, as Esther pointed out, I wouldn't change my experience for a second. We are who we are based on the experiences we share. I am who I am because of my journey through cancer. I still dream of a day when the world cancer is found in history books...Here are some cool things I want to share:

Kuts For Confidence video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxrPOhXJsnY

Relay For Life video: https://vimeo.com/88189744

Please check them out if you have a second, really amazing work. I am so fortunate to be a part of these organizations. Thank you for all your continued love and support. I feel it all the way in St. Louis! I hope you all have a wonderful day, week, year...I would like to leave you with this quote by Joseph Campbell:
"Life is without meaning. You bring the meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning."

Infinite X's and O's

Em

 

D-Day 2014

On February 15th, 2012, I made this first post:
"On Friday, February 10th, I was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma, or bone cancer. This was unexpected and frightening, but my parents and I were ready to take this on. Saturday afternoon I was discharged from the hospital and went back to campus to pack up some things and say goodbye to my amazing friends. This was extremely difficult, but I know I will be back! Sunday morning, my parents and I were on the first flight back home to Cleveland to begin my treatment at the Cleveland Clinic. This is a challenge that I have been faced with and it will certainly be a long 7-9 months to fight this cancer, but I am ready. With all the amazing support of family and friends, I am going to continue to stay positive and motivated to fight. God never gives us more than we can handle, and I know I'll beat this. Sometimes we just have to Let go and Let God, and of course, you always gotta keep your head up :) "

Since then, so much has changed. Today I woke up 2 years removed from the nightmare that was "D-Day" or Diagnosis day. The last few days my emotions have been running wild remembering all too vividly the thoughts, feelings, and the difficult conversations I had to have following the startling news of "I'm so sorry, but we found cancer cells in your biopsy. You have something called Osteosarcoma, or bone cancer." Thinking about everything really just makes me feel like... "wow." Not even sure what words would follow other than it seems like a different lifetime and I can't believe that really happened. 

I was reminded of the difficult conversations I had with one of my best friends, Alex, yesterday. We were recalling the moment when I got back to campus and asked her to come to my room. I was sitting with Greg and I was already crying as she sat down with nothing but the happiest, cheeriest smile on her face. I told her the news and she was still smiling. Her response to me was, "I'm so sorry if I am coming off insensitive but I am just so confident because I know you're going to beat this." Alex, Ali, Emma, Greg, Johnny, Wolf, Lauren, Kaitlin, Cecily, Ryan, Charlie, Kevin, Greg, the Saintsations, all of you that sat in my jam packed room that day as I packed up my things, thank you for instilling in me hope and strength to begin this journey - and now to finish it!!

2 years later, the feeling of pain in my leg is gone. The scares of fever neutropenia, infections, bumps in the road are all just memories. The feeling of sadness, uncertainty and sickness from chemo are also just thoughts remembered from time to time. What seemed like such vivid moments seem to be fogged in my memory now...maybe that's a defensive mechanism, only remembering the good. My battle scars are proud trophies of my defeat on the little c. I am remembering all these things with a smile on my face. Some tears, yes, but I am smiling because I can't even process how blessed I am for the amazing support I felt for the 9 months and continue to feel from so many people all over. I feel like I am truly the luckiest girl in the world. Cancer put my life on pause, but 2 years from that awful day, I am back at school, cancer free and loving my life and all the people in it. Thank you for your continued thoughts, prayers, love and support. It means more than you know. I will be heading home for a day of scans on March 3rd to make sure I am still 100% healthy...no little c cells anywhere. Scans no longer scare me like they used to...like that first day, February 10th, 2012 watching the bone scan tick 1% at a time over my whole body....

Momma Jane was texting me yesterday and said "Goodnight. Think about how much you have grown. Eyes forward." -she couldn't be more right. The future is too bright. Today marks the worst day of my life but 2 years later still being able to sit at my kitchen table and write my story... I am the happiest girl in the world. 
God bless all of you, thanks for helping me keep my head up. 
XO Emily

#WorldCancerDay

I guess you can say today has been a bit of a reflecting day for me. In case you didn't know, today is "World Cancer Day"... can't say I know who founded this so-called day. According to worldcancerday.org February 4th is: 
"World Cancer Day is a chance to raise our collective voices in the name of improving general knowledge around cancer and dismissing misconceptions about the disease."

Today I got up, made a nice little breakfast, and sat down at the computer searching through old pictures of my little c adventure and all the amazing people that helped me through that time. I changed my profile picture on Facebook to a shade of purple because Chevrolet teamed up with the American Cancer Society and donated $1 to cancer research for every purple default picture, pretty amazing! My roommates probably weren't expecting to see tears start streaming down my face in the middle of breakfast but I couldn't control it. Emotions over came me and memories, good and bad, came flooding in. I hopped in the shower before class and let my tears fall in the hot water with feelings of loss and despair overtaking me. I miss Cora, I think about all the people who've lost loved ones to cancer, all people holding on to some kind of hurt from an unfair disease.

I'm not sure why it took a day to be named "World Cancer Day" for me to have a release of emotion, I guess it just came out. I also don't understand why it takes a designated "cancer day" to remember that this fight always continues. Unfortunately, we can't turn on the fight and turn it off when we don't want to think about it...cancer is around us, everyday. People are fighting, every single day. They aren'y giving up, so why should we? I believe it is part of the reason that I am still here, to help others finish their fight. If I can be some kind of encouragement, raise money for research through Relay For Life, or put a smile on one person's face, then I will go to the ends of the Earth to make that happen. 

The nostalgia of today is humbling and also a reminder that everyone is fighting some kind of battle, cancer or not, we are all fighters. Don't ever, ever give up hope. Don't ever stop fighting.
Please say a prayer and remember all people in the fight of their lives today. Prayers are twofold to you are your families. Sending all the love in my heart, hoping that one day this day won't exist...
Emily 

Kuts for Confidence

This past year has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows where do many memories have been made. One of the highlights of the year for me was at the last chapter meeting for my sorority (Kappa Delta) this past spring when council made a huge announcement...

Our Zeta Iota chapter of Kappa Delta at Saint Louis University has been faced with an overwhelming presence of cancer. Two girls in our chapter, Sarah Wielgos and I, were diagnosed with cancer within 6 months of each other, both of us having to leave school and face the fight. It was really hard for both of us, and I cannot speak for Sarah, but it was pretty amazing see how much love and support we felt from friends, our KD chapter, and the Saint Louis community as well as everyone who sent well wishes or just said a prayer for us. So, at our last chapter meeting last semester, it was announced that we had began planning to hold a university wide hair donating event, teaming with Pantene Beautiful Lengths and the American Cancer Society to provide women going through chemotherapy and radiation with wigs! This of course brought me to tears and over the last nine months, we have been planning, preparing, and finally executing the first ever event we named Kuts for C∆nfidence! 

We want to show our support for anyone going through cancer and show that hair should not be a symbol of beauty. When I first started losing my hair, I was one month into treatment and every part of my scalp began to feel tingly. It slowly started leaving traces on my pillows, in my bed, and started to really affect me mentally. I was really nervous about losing my hair because it was my identity. One night in the hospital I was so uncomfortable, in a lot of pain, and felt so disgusting feeling all the shedding hair covering my hospital bed. I crutched to the bathroom with my IV pole and in a bout of frustration climbed into the shower and sat (I couldn't stand) scrubbing all the shedding hair off of me. For the first time, I sobbed in the shower as a pulled chunks of hair from my head holding the wet, dead hair in my hands. I watched as a mess of hair started piling over the drain, unable to contain my sobs. I didn't want my family to see how upset I was about my hair but I couldn't hold it in anymore. My sister helped me blow dry what was left of my hair and brush out as much of the loose hairs as we could and I sat silently the rest of the night, unable to eat or think of anything except my hair loss. 

The goal of this amazing event is to show that you don't need hair to be confident, it's meaningless and beauty comes in all forms, long hair, short hair, or no hair. It's about your personality and what truly shines through, not your appearance or your hair. I cannot even put into words how amazing this event is and how much it means to me that we are doing it. We have over 65 people signed up to donate 8 or more inches of hair and I can hardly wait.

So, the day is finally here. Tomorrow, Tuesday, December 10th, 2013, the first ever Kuts For Confidence will take place on Saint Louis University's campus! The schedule of events goes as follows:

We will be having FREE drop-in haircuts or trims all day (12-5 pm) in the Simon Recreation Center with stylists who are graciously donating their time! We ask that if you are able, please donate a few dollars for a haircut where all the money will go to the Confidence Coalition, an organization founded by Kappa Delta Sorority committed to the promotion of confidence in women around the world. 

At 7 pm, the big hair donating event will take place in Tegler Auditorium where anyone donating 8 or more inches of hair, or boys shaving their heads, will be on stage and there will be a big ceremony as we watch the big "Kuts" take place! I will be giving a speech and assist in kicking off the night!

We are so incredibly excited for this event! If you would like to learn more about it, or want to participate in the event, please check out our website:

www.kutsforconfidence.weebly.com 

There you can learn more about the event, sign up to donate 8 or more inches of hair, or make a monetary donation! Every little part is so greatly appreciated! I cannot wait for tomorrow, I am so excited and blessed to be surrounded by so many people who are committed in making a difference. This is going to be an amazing event.

As my beautiful roommate Alex who is studying abroad this semester told me, "Life isn't about what happens, it's not about places or material things. Life is about feelings, seeing the qualities in yourself and in others that truly make them shine." I think that really sums it up for me, that's why this event is really special. Thank you all for your continued love and support, tomorrow truly will be an amazing day.

#longhairDOcare

www.kutsforconfidence.weebly.com

Em

One Year

When you look back at your life, how quickly and how minuscule does one year seem? Doesn’t time just fly? I can’t believe this semester is almost over, and even more so…I cannot believe it has been one year since I finished chemotherapy. Wow, its weird to say sometimes, chemotherapy…still doesn't seem real. But, thanks to so many amazing people, and events in my life, I am now a one-year cancer survivor.

Last Friday, November 16^th, 2012, I was admitted for my last treatment. My dad and I checked in and my mom met us in M50 carrying so many decorations, bags, streamers, posters, and pictures and we set up for a night that I will never forget. My nurse was Diana, who moved around floors a lot and it was a complete surprise and irony to see her…she was my very first chemo nurse. I had some amazing visitors, Katie and fellow cancer survivor, Mikaela, and Matt. Mackenzie and some of her friends came to visit too. Not to mention, my best friend, Ali and her wonderful mother Connie, coming fully prepared with cupcakes, hats, and a “0” piñata for “Zero” more treatments. I will never forget the feeling of relief, the feeling of weightlessness, the feeling of pure happiness as I watched the last drops of Methotrexate drip into my IV. In that moment, 7:30 pm on November 16^th, 2012, I was the world’s newest cancer survivor.

It’s been a year now, and boy has it been crazy. Going back to school, jumping into “normal life,” cheerleading, and all the other activities I picked back up, I was super busy. My friends can attest that this year was a year of ups and downs. Some of the highest high’s and the lowest low’s, but I made it through. From cheering in March Madness, to burying my dear friend, Cora, this year has been a year of trials.  Nothing seems impossible anymore which is for sure a blessing, but there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of the word “cancer,” think of my leg which still doesn’t feel “normal,” and think of something I wish I was able to do better.

This weekend was kind of whirlwind but the best weekend I could have dreamed of. Our favorite school/football team, the John Carroll University Blue Streaks, were taking on Mount Union on Saturday for the last game of the regular season, both teams being undefeated. This is a HUGE rivalry in the OAC (Ohio Athletic Conference) and was going to be an intense, sold out, war. A few weeks ago, I purchased plane tickets for Mackenzie and I to fly into Columbus and meet up with our best friends, basically family, the McDonnell’s and the kids decided to drive up to Mount Union and SURPRISE our parents at this football game. Mackenzie and I arrived in Columbus Friday night, had a wonderful time with Cassey, Emily and Sam, and being reunited was amazing. We drove up and walked right up to the tailgate yesterday morning and my parent’s jaws hit the ground. It was so awesome. We spend the day watching a great game, although the score wasn’t in our favor, we will always love the Streaks.

After the game, Cassey, Sam, Kenz, Joe and I drove home where we had part 2 of the surprise waiting…Mr. and Mrs. McDonnell were waiting in my kitchen (with Pizzazz of course) and we surprised my parents again! There was no one I would rather spend this celebration with than the close family and friends I had surrounding me yesterday. Dancing around my house to “Come on Eileen,” “ Hotel,” “Angel,” “All for you,” “It wasn’t me,” and “90’s power hour” with my parents and friends was the best evening I could’ve asked for. Thank you to Mr. and Mrs. Fanning, Mr. and Mrs. McD, Mrs. Reesing, Frank, Andrew, Nick, and our course Cassey, Emily, Sam, Kenz, and Joe for keeping the surprise and for giving me the best gift of amazing family and friends.

So, to all of you reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for always caring, for the love, prayers, and well wishes, thoughts, hugs, and friendship. You helped me through the most difficult time in my life and I am proud to say now that I am a one-year cancer survivor. I would not be here today if it wasn’t for you. Thank you for everything.

Love,

Em

All battles are won.

WOW it has been a long time since I posted, but I am sitting here, in my new apartment, back at school, starting my "jophomore" year as I like to call it (should be my junior year, but academically a sophomore) and some things just crossed my mind. Real quick: life is great, I am doing well, loving classes, my sorority, and starting a new job, my roommates and I always say "this is the happiest we have ever been!" Everything is so great right now, and I am very thankful. Kenz is at Villanova and loving the start of freshman year! That girl will rule the business world someday, and I can't wait to see how she conquers school! Joe is a sophomore at St. Ignatius back home in Cleveland, and working hard to come back to full activity and football after a nasty concussion. He's a trouper though, hopefully he will be good to go next week! Jane and Todd, the rents, are doing well. Mom is busy as JCU (homecoming is this weekend!) and Dad is working hard all the time. I miss my fam, but teamevans seems to be doing just fine right now.

So since I last posted, many things have changed. I had a rough end of the school year when I got some terrible news. My friend, who I fought Osteosarcoma with, passed away on May 5th, 2013. I was fortunate enough to be introduced to Cora on her very first day in S20 when she was diagnosed with the disease in her Humerus, or upper arm. It was August of 2012, she was about to start her senior year in high school and boy, she was a BEAUTIFUL girl. I'm not kidding, she was gorgeous, and our doctor wanted to introduce me because she was a cheerleader, too. I could tell she was caught off guard, and a little upset when I walked in the room but she kept a smile on her face the whole time. Your first day in the clinic isn't the greatest experience because you're forced into an unfamiliar place that you eerily know is associated with questions of mortality and an unfamiliar world of poisons, shots, and bald people. I am not kidding, I cried the first day in the doctors office when I saw other patients because I was scared and it didn't really hit me I would lose my hair too. It's just a weird feeling, like a foreshadowing into your future. 

Anyways, Cora and her incredible father, Brian, welcomed me and soon enough, I was hanging out with Cora whenever we were in the hospital together. M50 bonding, we loved it. We chatted for hours about our lives, boys, what we wanted to do, where she wanted to go to college, and I got to meet some of her amazing friends when they would visit her in the hospital. It was great, Cora, Ashly, and I, the three oldest girls on the floor became so close. When I went back to school, Cora and I would text often. She was hilarious, and we never talked about cancer which was funny. We would catch up on life and talk about the same old stuff, boys, school, she asked me how college was and we would get so excited planning our summer hang outs when I came home in the spring. She meant alot to me and I guess I meant alot to her in return. When I finished chemo, she posted this on her facebook, and it was the first time I realized how important our friendship was:

"When I was first diagnosed with cancer I met a girl named Emily Evans, my dr. told me I want you to meet her she cheered and has the same cancer you do, So when I saw her and talked a little and she left I told my dad it was good seeing her she looked good and healthy and she was so pretty and it gave me a heads up to what i had coming for me, so emily was in the hospital the same time i was this week and she came and visited me in my room and we talked and she told me that she had her last chemo and that she was completely done and going back to school in jan. she told me "cora, just wait for this day it is the best feeling ever" I have never had a true role model to look up to unless it was a family member but she is my true role model and I look up to her on so many levels, she went through everything i will be and ive never been so happy for someone! and she looks A M A Z I N G♥ Congrats Emily for beating cancer! YOU are my inspiration"

The last time I saw Cora was two days before her 18th birthday, two days before her tumor resection surgery. She was smiling and all too excited and nervous for her tumor to be removed! On her way to the hospital, she blasted "Safe and Sound" by Capital Cities. She never gave up hope. I could lift you up, I could show you what you want to see and take you where you want to be. You could be my luck, Even if the sky is falling down, I know that we'll be safe and sound." Cora's diagnosis from the beginning was a difficult one. It was much more aggressive and had already metastasized in her lungs when she was diagnosed. Cora fought a much harder battle than I ever had to, but not once did she question her mortality or life on Earth. She always kept her head held high and just approached life and the present truly as what it is; a gift. When one chemo wouldn't work, she would say, "alright, whats next?" Thats the kind of girl she was. Cora was my inspiration. On Sunday, May 5th, I was sitting in my friend Alex's dorm room with my other three best friends. We were all on high stress and it was the week of finals...emotions running wild. I saw a status from one of my Nurse friends and I said to my friends, "guys I think something is wrong on my floor (M50)." When I found out Cora had passed, I crumbled.

My family scrambled find out how to get me through finals, get me moved out of my dorm, and home for her funeral which took place on Friday, May 10th. At her funeral with my Dad closely holding onto me, I couldn't control myself. It was the first time I truly faced the mortality and seriousness of this disease. Cora hadn't told me she was sick, she and I talked the week before and she was still staying strong, that beautiful person she was. I couldn't stop looking at her casket, I couldn't stop picturing her, and it wouldn't process through my head she was actually gone. I was able to sit and talk with her best friends at the services and they mean so much to me still today. But I will never forget that feeling I had of just wanting one more day, one more day with her. We shared a bond and went through something not many people understand. I spiraled into somewhat of a dark time when all this was happening. I lost faith in God, I lost faith in life, I lost faith in myself. I was home for about 3 weeks just moping and hating life, so resentful that Cora was gone. I only admitted to my family and to my close friends, but for awhile I was praying I would get cancer again. I prayed to have God give it to me, I could handle it, don't give it to my friends, let me take it...truthfully I missed the routine of going to the hospital everyday and that being my only worry in the world. It took me a few weeks to move past all of it. 

Some people would say that Cora "lost her battle" to Osteo on May 5th, but that phrase couldn't be more wrong. Cora never lost. No one has ever lost a battle to cancer. The fight to the finish means she won, she won because she didn't let the disease take her spirit. She and all others who have gone before us won, no battles are lost. Cora is on my mind everyday and I proudly wear her bracelet to remind me of my special friend, the angel watching over me. Cora's life motto was "Hakuna Matata" which I'm sure you all know, "mean's no worries, for the rest of your days." It's nice to think about and it helps me stay centered when I get caught up in the mess of this beautiful world. 

I recently finished reading a book that just changed my perspective on life. If you are interested, please read "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. It is an amazing book and I don't want to give anything away, so that is all that I am going to say about it. I guess the point of this post is to ask you all to remember Cora, to remember all those who have WON their battles but have passed. And, of course, please remember all those still fighting. Rest in Peace, Cora. I miss you so much!
P.S. I love you too.